tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-236858552024-03-07T18:03:23.433+11:00There should be a sign.Follow the rules. Except when the rules are stupid.shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.comBlogger327125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-36685980931531657002017-09-30T12:55:00.001+10:002017-09-30T12:56:14.300+10:00Afterwards.<b>Because funerals are terrible.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
Bury me in my back garden,<br />
Bum up or bum down, I don't care.<br />
Don't fret for my soul,<br />
Simply dig me a hole,<br />
Roughly one-and-a-half metres square.<br />
<br />
Bury me in my back garden,<br />
No casket, no coffin, no frills.<br />
For next to no cost<br />
I will slowly compost<br />
Circumventing funereal bills.<br />
<br />
Bury me in my back garden,<br />
As if I was one of your pets.<br />
I take up more room<br />
Than a terrier's tomb<br />
But I'll save you a trip to the vet's.<br />
<br />
Bury me in my back garden,<br />
no need for a vicar or priest.<br />
Just make sure I'm dead,<br />
Chuck some dirt on my head,<br />
And then drink to the newly deceased.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-41555320196647678342017-04-21T14:46:00.000+10:002017-04-21T14:46:53.792+10:00Somethin' Stupid <b>(with apologies to <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somethin%27_Stupid" target="_blank">C. Carson Parks</a>)</b><br />
<b>Because dating is hard.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
I looked at your profile<br />
And I swiped right<br />
Because your smile<br />
Was captivating to me.<br />
<br />
And when we went<br />
Someplace to meet<br />
You ordered<br />
Something sweet<br />
And then you<br />
Shared it with me.<br />
<br />
Then afterwards<br />
I stopped and stared<br />
And secretly prepared<br />
A future for us.<br />
<br />
But then you went<br />
And spoiled it all<br />
By saying you could never date<br />
a Taurus.<br />
<br />
*<br />
<br />
You can see it in my eyes<br />
You're a reprise<br />
Of other guys<br />
I've tried to date before.<br />
<br />
And though you think there's still a spark<br />
Your last remark<br />
Means I can't see you<br />
Anymore.<br />
<br />
*<br />
<br />
I saw you in a bar<br />
And in that moment,<br />
From afar<br />
I felt less sad and alone.<br />
<br />
You wandered over<br />
for a chat<br />
And shortly<br />
After that<br />
I had your name in my phone.<br />
<br />
For days on end<br />
We'd type and send<br />
A hundred silly messages<br />
Between us.<br />
<br />
But then you went<br />
And spoiled it all<br />
By sending me a photo<br />
Of your penis.<br />
<br />
*<br />
<br />
You can see it in my eyes<br />
You're a reprise<br />
Of other guys<br />
I've tried to date before.<br />
<br />
And though you think you're quite risqué<br />
That doesn't make me want to stay<br />
Around for more.<br />
<br />
*<br />
<br />
I walked past where<br />
You sit each day<br />
Because it’s on the way<br />
Between my desk and the lifts.<br />
<br />
And every smile,<br />
Each soft hello<br />
I kept next to my heart as though<br />
You gave them as gifts.<br />
<br />
One afternoon<br />
At Friday beers<br />
Your voice bewitched my ears<br />
In conversation.<br />
<br />
And then you went<br />
And spoiled it all<br />
By telling me you voted<br />
For One Nation.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-40185810382035512382017-03-28T15:55:00.000+11:002017-03-28T15:55:59.000+11:00What Trump Likes<b><span style="font-size: large;">Because making deals is terrific. Believe me. The best.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
<span style="font-size: large;">I don't often link Donald Trump and poetry together in the same thought. But, like almost everything else abhorrent to intellect, Trump himself tweeted about it.<br /></span><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtJPNKTAP5PtA1r6mAGOgagcZ8Fy_yIg1_PzJCcZLKNZjH6PYXKTLxXIClVtdE9nn6Uzh2I4WxxeBHWAdQ1hOTqW9ggmjq1DuQPQm13r3GwaIVhs21yEjDA9jKw3OXm3MIef0/s1600/Trump+tweet+poetry.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" height="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtJPNKTAP5PtA1r6mAGOgagcZ8Fy_yIg1_PzJCcZLKNZjH6PYXKTLxXIClVtdE9nn6Uzh2I4WxxeBHWAdQ1hOTqW9ggmjq1DuQPQm13r3GwaIVhs21yEjDA9jKw3OXm3MIef0/s320/Trump+tweet+poetry.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Sure, the tweet's a couple of years old, but if age was any hindrance to being noticed, Trump wouldn't be president in the first place. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Now, far be it from me to claim that my poetry skills even come close to The Don's deal-making wizardry. But if he did turn his tiny hands to doggerel instead of dog-whistling, it might look a little something like this:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I’m Trump and I like bigly deals.</span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I like the way the winning feels.</span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">The other thing I like, for reals,</span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Is this tremendous poem.</b><o:p><b> </b></o:p><b></b></span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I don’t like <a href="http://www.politifact.com/personalities/donald-trump/" target="_blank">facts</a> or <a href="https://www.businessinsider.com.au/trump-budget-meals-on-wheels-funding-2017-3?r=US&IR=T" target="_blank">Meals on Wheels</a></span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Or <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2017/03/24/what-just-happened-explaining-the-republicans-big-health-care-fail/?utm_term=.22af86ae9ae0" target="_blank">failed Obamacare repeals</a></span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Or when the <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/mar/21/fbi-trump-russia-house-intelligence-committee" target="_blank">FBI reveals</a></span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>What I refuse to show ‘em.</b><o:p><b> </b></o:p><b></b></span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">I like <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/donald-trumps-rambling-90-second-speech-stuns-english-speaking-world_uk_57ab37d7e4b08ab70dc0f646" target="_blank">long, incoherent spiels</a></span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">And <a href="http://mashable.com/2017/02/10/trump-tweets-cable-news/?utm_cid=a-seealso#aRyTXeL4X5qR" target="_blank">watching Fox</a> to get my feels</span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">And <a href="http://www.news.com.au/world/breaking-news/watchdog-to-review-trump-maralago-trips/news-story/a4408a4f119cd316c076740cff0d8c4f" target="_blank">trips to Florida</a> for meals</span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>And <a href="http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/10/07/donald_trump_2005_tape_i_grab_women_by_the_pussy.html" target="_blank">touching random chicks</a>.</b><o:p><b> </b></o:p><b></b></span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Some people paint, some folks make meals,</span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Some sing or bang on glockenspiels,</span></b></blockquote>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">But money-getting spins my wheels;</span></b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">That’s how I get my kicks. </span></b></blockquote>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<b><o:p></o:p></b></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-12810227362766387932016-08-11T12:29:00.001+10:002016-08-11T12:29:22.896+10:00On the care and comfort of exotic pets<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Just because.</b></div>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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Please don’t keep your axolotl in an empty shampoo bottle<br />
When a proper coffee pot’ll do the trick. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Don’t feed raisins or sultanas to exsanguinous iguanas;<br />
Offer only ripe bananas when they’re sick.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If you must adopt a locust, it’s important you stay focused
- <br />
Your indifference might provoke a stream of swears.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Water isn’t good for spiders, they prefer a range of ciders<br />
Served with tiny pulled-pork sliders, cut in squares.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If you take a young impala to a symphony or gala, <br />
Be advised: the sound of Mahler makes them squeal.<o:p></o:p></div>
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If you haven’t any pillow for your banded armadillo,<br />
Then a head-sized sheet of filo is ideal.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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If you can’t stop your cicada stealing biscuits from your
larder,<br />
Try to make its access harder with a maze.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Never give your tuatara make-up, shoes or a tiara,</div>
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You’ll be cleaning up mascara smears for days. <o:p></o:p></div>
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shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-82066737514443718132016-06-27T12:48:00.000+10:002016-06-27T12:49:21.983+10:00Regrexit<b>Because hindsight, at today's exchange rate, is still 20/20</b><br />
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<b><br /></b></div>
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Whoops! I thought that we was voting summink different
innit;<o:p></o:p></div>
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I didn’t know we’d really take the EU and, like, bin it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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For sure I thought the ‘Leave’ vote would add up to less
than half;<o:p></o:p></div>
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I only voted ‘Leave’ ‘cause my mates dared me for a laugh.<o:p></o:p></div>
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That Nigel bloke said immigrants was stealin’ British jobs;<o:p></o:p></div>
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I didn’t know that Nigel is the king of racist nobs.<o:p></o:p></div>
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He said we’d save some money that could save the NHS;<o:p></o:p></div>
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There’s more to this than what he might’ve said (or not) I
guess;<o:p></o:p></div>
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‘Cause now the Pound is down and our financial future’s
drab;<o:p></o:p></div>
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But most importantly: CAN I STILL GET A CHEAP KEBAB?<o:p></o:p></div>
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shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-90177791583451476032016-06-06T14:23:00.001+10:002016-06-06T14:23:45.445+10:00When the campaign is Donne<b>Because halfway through an election campaign is as good a time as any to get metaphysical. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
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When next the visage of the moon<o:p></o:p></div>
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Turns coyly from the Earth to wane<o:p></o:p></div>
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In Southern lands, a mournful tune<o:p></o:p></div>
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Plays soft to endeth this campaign<o:p></o:p></div>
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Two foes, hast did declare their troth <o:p></o:p></div>
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As means to quench a powr’ful thirst<o:p></o:p></div>
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One side intendeth jobs and growth<o:p></o:p></div>
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The other, putting people first.<o:p></o:p></div>
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What trigger’d such a grand event?<o:p></o:p></div>
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A solemn vow to disagree<o:p></o:p></div>
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‘Til twice-dissolved, our parliament<o:p></o:p></div>
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Restored not the ABCC<o:p></o:p></div>
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For fortnights twain a battle fought<o:p></o:p></div>
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Continued twenty-eight days more<o:p></o:p></div>
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We sit upon the rowboat’s thwart<o:p></o:p></div>
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With battens placed for what’s in store.<o:p></o:p></div>
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What promises are made thus far?<o:p></o:p></div>
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What quarter shall our champions give<o:p></o:p></div>
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To childcare, tax, the NBN<o:p></o:p></div>
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And gearing in the negative?<o:p></o:p></div>
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As rivals gloat and bluff and boast<o:p></o:p></div>
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It matters not what happens hence<o:p></o:p></div>
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The policies that matter most<o:p></o:p></div>
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Seem nothing much of consequence<o:p></o:p></div>
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Of marriage just, nor refugees<o:p></o:p></div>
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Spake neither glori’ed bureaucrat;<o:p></o:p></div>
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More time and swathes of journalese</div>
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Apportioned to a blessed rat.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-23580767534629326682015-12-30T23:27:00.001+11:002015-12-30T23:27:34.130+11:00Two Thousand and Fifteen<b>Because 'tis the season to write lists of things.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
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In December I remember<br />
Everything that’s been;<br />
Listed tersely and diversely,<br />
Here’s my two-zero-fifteen:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://www.australianoftheyear.org.au/honour-roll/?view=fullView&recipientID=1179" target="_blank">Batty’s laurels</a>, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-01-15/medicare-government-shelves-propsosed-rebate-cut-changes/6018990">budget
quarrels</a><span class="MsoHyperlink"><br />
</span><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-01-04/adelaide-hills-bushfire-crews-battle-to-control-blaze-overnight/5999602" target="_blank">Adelaide alight</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-01-31/campbell-newman-loses-ashgrove-to-kate-jones-antony-green-says/6059928" target="_blank">Newman’s booting</a>, <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-30708237" target="_blank">Hebdo shooting</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.news.com.au/national/australia-day-2015-prince-philip-angus-houston-our-newest-knights/news-story/2f16ca9c25ba9cc08bf67a842d0ab097" target="_blank">Old Prince Phillip dubbed a knight</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://www.news.com.au/national/prime-minister-announces-changes-to-terror-laws-brings-six-flags-to-press-conference/news-story/804d7bef3cd98bb67feafa61c3fb8b58">Six-flag
pressers</a>, <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/science/head-quarters/2015/feb/27/the-dress-blue-black-white-gold-vision-psychology-colour-constancy" target="_blank">coloured dresses</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-02-04/greste-heads-back-to-australia/6068274" target="_blank">Peter Greste freed</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-02-24/gillian-triggs-says-brandis-wants-her-to-quit-rights-commission/6247520" target="_blank">Triggs’ indicters</a>, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-02-15/second-brand-of-frozen-mixed-berries-recalled/6106490" target="_blank">hepatitis</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-02-09/tony-abbott-keeps-liberal-leadership-failed-spill-motion/6079006" target="_blank">Libspill 1 did not succeed</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/abbott-government-scraps-gp-copayment-20150303-13thxg.html" target="_blank">GP practice fees were cactus</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-03-28/mike-baird-wins-nsw-election/6356056" target="_blank">Baird won one term more</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-03-26/data-retention-laws-pass-federal-parliament/6351278" target="_blank">Data stashing</a>, <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-32035121">alpine
crashing</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.buzzfeed.com/bradesposito/good-onions#.ooz3qZZE4" target="_blank">Abbott ate an onion raw</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/apr/22/none-of-its-true-wellness-blogger-belle-gibson-admits-she-never-had-cancer" target="_blank">Young Belle Gibson told some fibs</a> and<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-04-26/nepal-earthquake-kills-over-1800/6422194" target="_blank">Earthquakes rocked Nepal</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.anzaccentenary.gov.au/news" target="_blank">ANZAC heroes reached two zeroes</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-04-29/andrew-chan-and-myuran-sukumaran-executed/6426654" target="_blank">Bali Nine boys’ final call</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-05-01/wet-weather-hits-south-east-queensland-northern-new-south-wales/6436090">Rising
waters</a>, <a href="http://www.dukeandduchessofcambridge.org/features-0/princess-charlotte" target="_blank">royal daughters</a>, <br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-05-14/johnny-depps-dogs-cant-stay-in-australia-barnaby-joyce-warns/6468542" target="_blank">Depp’s dogs on death row</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-05-24/ireland-approves-gay-marriage-in-referendum/6492698" target="_blank">Same sex weddings</a>, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/local/stories/2015/05/27/4243198.htm">bad coughs
spreading</a><br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-05-30/goodes-war-dance-steals-the-show-as-the-swans-beat/6509036" target="_blank">Goodesy stole the whole damn show</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-05-30/fifa-corruption-probe-sepp-blatter-presidential-vote/6508132" target="_blank">Joseph Blatter’s FIFA matters</a>,<br />
<a href="http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/requiem-for-a-lightweight-20150626-ghyh4s.html" target="_blank">TEN Australian flags</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/africa/tunisia-attack-the-aftermath-of-bloody-friday-live-updates-10349661.html" target="_blank">Daesh drama</a>, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-06-04/dalai-lama-arrives-in-sydney-for-australian-tour/6520322" target="_blank">Dalai Lama</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-06-02/caitlyn-jenner-debuts-her-post-bruce-identity-in-vanity-fair/6513528" target="_blank">Jenner graced some glossy mags</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2015_Ashes_series" target="_blank">Cricket ashes</a>, <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-33503955" target="_blank">Greek debt crashes</a>, <br /><a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-33473679" target="_blank">Java’s skies turned dark</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-07-15/bronwyn-bishop-spends-5000-dollars-80km-charter-flight/6622134" target="_blank">Bronnie hopped a helicopter</a>, <br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-07-19/mick-fanning-clashes-with-shark-in-south-africa-surfing-event/6632214" target="_blank">Michael Fanning punched a shark</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/aug/17/bangkok-rocked-by-explosion-at-busy-road-junction" target="_blank">Tourists slaughtered</a>, <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/aug/21/amsterdam-paris-train-gunman-france" target="_blank">murder thwarted</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.wired.com/2015/08/happened-hackers-posted-stolen-ashley-madison-data/" target="_blank">Cheaters’ names were viewed</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-08-06/mh370-la-reunion-debris-confirmed-malaysia-pm/6675784" target="_blank">Plane wing mystery</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/bronwyn-bishop-finally-resigns-as-speaker-45559" target="_blank">Bishop’s history</a>, <br /><a href="http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/border-force-fiasco-operation-fortitude-cancelled-as-protest-shuts-down-melbourne-streets-20150828-gjah7n.html" target="_blank">Operation Fortitude</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-24/pilgrims-killed-in-crush-at-hajj-pilgrimage-near-mecca/6803178" target="_blank">Pilgrims dying</a>, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-22/vw-admits-11-million-cars-have-pollution-test-cheating-device/6796740" target="_blank">Vee-dub’s lying</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.news.com.au/finance/work/leaders/malcolm-turnbull-has-met-with-the-prime-minister-to-request-leadership-ballot/news-story/d95b88318eba6d3f9a47026d420bb6d2" target="_blank">Libspill two was ON</a>;<br />
<a href="http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/immigration-minister-peter-dutton-caught-joking-about-the-effect-of-climate-change-on-pacific-islands-20150911-gjkf0z.html">ScoMo’s
winger dropped a zinger</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-14/malcolm-turnbull-wins-liberal-leadership-ballot-over-tony-abbott/6775464" target="_blank">Turnbull’s in and Tony’s gone</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2015/10/15/two-charged-over-parramatta-shooting" target="_blank">Shootings shatter Parramatta</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.smh.com.au/rugby-union/union-match-report/rugby-world-cup-final-2015-all-blacks-beat-wallabies-in-thrilling-decider-20151031-gknu4r.html" target="_blank">All Blacks took the Cup</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/oct/21/back-to-the-future-day-21-october-2015-we-still-need-roads" target="_blank">Doc Brown’s travels</a>, <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/rugby-league/league-news/channel-nine-dumps-andrew-johns-from-grand-final-day-broadcast-following-drunken-airport-incident-20151004-gk0vta.html" target="_blank">Johns unravels</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/stocco-fugitives-arrested-by-nsw-police-at-a-property-in-dunedoo/story-fni0cx12-1227585274764" target="_blank">Stocco outlaws’ time is up</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-11-13/otto-the-skating-bulldog-breaks-world-record-human-tunnel/6937394" target="_blank">Bulldog cruising</a>, bomb blasts bruising<br /><a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-34818994" target="_blank">Paris</a> and <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-34795797" target="_blank">Beirut</a>;<br /><a href="http://www.aljazeera.com/news/2015/11/turkey-russia-war-words-downed-jet-151124211649782.html" target="_blank">Russians plummet</a>, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-11-27/cop21-everything-you-need-to-know-about-paris-climate-conference/6981426" target="_blank">climate summit</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2015/11/04/get-stuffed-paynes-historic-melbourne-cup-win-makes-headlines-around-world" target="_blank">Payne wins racing’s biggest loot</a>.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/victorian-bushfires-great-ocean-road-towns-hit-by-fires-20151225-glv2ud.html" target="_blank">Burning houses</a>, <a href="http://time.com/4163516/dog-pants-internet-debate/">canine trousers</a>,<br /><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/dec/30/star-wars-the-force-awakens-in-global-all-time-top-10" target="_blank">Star Wars on the screen</a>;<br />
<a href="http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/south-australia/south-australian-liberal-jamie-briggs-quits-as-cities-and-built-environment-minister-in-malcolm-turnbull-government/news-story/c38a002e1376b3f22991c5408eabd339">Briggs’s
hickie</a>, <a href="http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/cardinal-george-pell-too-ill-to-travel-from-rome-to-melbourne-for-royal-commission-20151211-gllktf.html" target="_blank">George Pell’s sickie</a>,<br />
Roll on two-zero-sixteen..<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-56567508098800541792015-12-15T12:43:00.000+11:002015-12-15T12:43:45.326+11:00The Twelve Days of Poxmas<b>Because we have a vaccine now. </b><div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
Some parents think holding "<a href="http://www.aww.com.au/latest-news/news-stories/mum-defends-chicken-pox-parties-24215" target="_blank">pox parties</a>" to deliberately infect other people's kids with chicken pox - a usually mild but very uncomfortable disease with long-term complications - is preferable to having a quick jab. Perhaps they think the vaccine is more dangerous than the disease (<a href="https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/chickenpox-immunisation" target="_blank">it isn't</a>). Perhaps they think it'll all be over in a week or so (<a href="https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/shingles" target="_blank">it won't</a>). Perhaps they think nobody ever dies from chicken pox (<a href="http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/happy-boy-should-still-be-with-us/story-e6freuy9-1226635253704" target="_blank">they do</a>). Perhaps they don't think. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Anyway, Pox Party Parents: this little festive jingle is for you and your poor kids. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the first day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>A flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the second day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the third day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the fourth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Permanent scars<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the fifth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Neur-al-gia<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Permanent scars<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the sixth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bleeding disorders<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Neur-al-gia<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Permanent scars<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the seventh day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Weeping pus-filled blisters<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bleeding disorders<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Neur-al-gia<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Permanent scars<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the eighth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Febrile convulsions<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Weeping pus-filled blisters<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bleeding disorders<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Neur-al-gia<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Permanent scars<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the ninth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Nausea and shingles<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Febrile convulsions<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Weeping pus-filled blisters<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bleeding disorders<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Neur-al-gia<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Permanent scars<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the tenth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Encephalitis<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Nausea and shingles<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Febrile convulsions<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Weeping pus-filled blisters<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bleeding disorders<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Neur-al-gia<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Permanent scars<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the eleventh day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bloodstained sheets from scratching<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Encephalitis<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Nausea and shingles<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Febrile convulsions<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Weeping pus-filled blisters<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bleeding disorders<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Neur-al-gia<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Permanent scars<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>On the twelfth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Viral pneumonia<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bloodstained sheets from scratching<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Encephalitis<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Nausea and shingles<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Febrile convulsions<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Weeping pus-filled blisters<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bleeding disorders<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Neur-al-gia<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Permanent scars<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Mouth ulcers<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sore, crusty eyes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And a flatlining E-C-G.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-15977834959055832452015-08-16T15:17:00.000+10:002015-08-16T15:19:03.965+10:00Scat.<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Because poos ain’t
poos.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p>Sooner or later, every Facebook discussion turns to shit. Yesterday, my friend <a href="https://twitter.com/jobenhamu" target="_blank">Jo</a>, who is a nurse quite familiar with the workings of the bowel, practically dared me to write a pome about the brown stuff. I so seldom get the chance to take up a dare these days, so I thought I would re-invent <b><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_stool_scale" target="_blank">The Bristol Stool Chart</a></b> in rhyming ploplets. </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p>You know. </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p>For shits and giggles. </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>One</b> is separate
rock-hard lumps, and very hard to pass.<br />
<b>Two</b>’s a lumpy
sausage shape, a strain upon one's arse.<br />
<b>Three </b>is like a
chocolate bar, but cracked (not hard or knobby).<br />
<b>Four</b> is smooth
and serpentine, an easy-going jobbie.<br />
<b>Five</b> consists of
clear-cut blobs that don’t require a push.<br />
<b>Six</b> has fluffy
edges, ill-defined and boggy mush.<br />
<b>Seven</b>’s got no
shape at all; a watery suspension.<br />
If you’re not doing threes or fours, your tummy needs
attention.</blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJFYHDlZsxDoEue7BldbezQvUE03WGS4JB6a8vdDkhgfAolaO95a82yqziodA5sghJY5mWbCpZ1nYbisFiZ3hA15qo4npAtJoUaY01p3A3GBPWB_KuNTDhfzmfdqGhoTcTVj4/s1600/scat+pooh.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJFYHDlZsxDoEue7BldbezQvUE03WGS4JB6a8vdDkhgfAolaO95a82yqziodA5sghJY5mWbCpZ1nYbisFiZ3hA15qo4npAtJoUaY01p3A3GBPWB_KuNTDhfzmfdqGhoTcTVj4/s320/scat+pooh.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Illustration by <a href="https://society6.com/jothornely" target="_blank">Jo Thornely</a> (a completely different Jo)</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-54584402565816518262015-03-23T13:20:00.002+11:002015-03-23T13:25:02.921+11:00Good government starts today.<b>Because we need to start a conversation about "good" and "today".</b><br />
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
On Monday 9 February, Prime Minister Tony Abbott faced the media after emerging mildly victorious from a spill motion and announced: </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><i>"Good government starts today."</i></b></blockquote>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But, like with everything the Prime Minister says, there has been some confusion. Given that, during the six weeks since his claim he's <a href="http://www.news.com.au/national/breaking-news/abbott-defends-remote-community-comments/story-e6frfku9-1227257913188" target="_blank">sidelined indigenous Australians</a>, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-03-17/tony-abbott-criticised-by-irish-leader-over-st-patricks-day-vid/6325618" target="_blank">patronised Irish Australians</a>, attempted to <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/united-nations-group-defends-underfire-gillian-triggs-20150217-13gq0h.html" target="_blank">destroy the reputation of the Australian Human Rights Commission</a>, brushed off <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/mar/20/things-happen-tony-abbott-on-sexual-assault-allegations-in-offshore-detention" target="_blank">allegations of physical and sexual abuse </a>in our offshore detention centres and <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/comment/when-tony-abbott-ate-that-raw-onion-it-really-got-under-my-skin-20150321-1m3lnl.html" target="_blank">eaten a raw onion</a> as if it was a sane thing to do, I think we need a little clarification about what constitutes "good government" and "today".</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I asked the Prime Minister to come up with his own explanation in no more than six rhyming quatrains, and he was remarkably obliging: </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Good government starts today. Hooray!<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>My standards won’t fall beneath<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>The era of steam or the Pot regime.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>(But first let me clean my teeth.) <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Good government starts at half-past nine!<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I promise I’ll try to be<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Much less of an arse to the working class.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>(Once I’ve had this cup of tea.)<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Good government starts right after lunch!<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Our policies shan’t be feared.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I’ll do what I ought with the Moss report.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>(As soon as the plates are cleared.)<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Good government starts this afternoon!<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I’m certainly going to do<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>A much better job for the native mob.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>(Beginning at ten past two.)<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Good government starts at dinner time!<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>I’ll show nothing but remorse<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>For all of the brawls and the captain’s calls.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>(Right after the seventh course.)<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Good government starts at beddy-byes!<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>There’ll be no more pain or sorrow.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>That’s a firm guarantee from my team and me:<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Good government starts tomorrow.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-67196858161859183132015-03-11T14:27:00.000+11:002015-03-11T14:27:15.638+11:00Lifestyle Choices<b>Because some choices are more difficult than "which tie will I wear today?"</b><div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It's becoming increasingly clear that the only way our Prime Minister Tony Abbott can avoid saying ridiculously ill-informed things is to shut his privileged gob altogether. The latest morsel of mindlessness he dumped on the Australian population he clearly loathes was this: </div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 17.0240001678467px;"><a href="http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/movies/rolf-de-heer-slams-tony-abbott-over-lifestyle-choice-comments-on-remote-aboriginal-communities-20150310-140it3.html" target="_blank">"What we can't do is endlessly subsidise lifestyle choices if those lifestyle choices are not conducive to the kind of full participation in Australian society that everyone should have."</a></span></span></i></blockquote>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What does he mean by "lifestyle choices"? He's not talking about overseas holidays, wearing cycling gear to the office or buying a European town car. He's talking about infrastructure, support and schooling in remote indigenous communities. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sure, they're just words. And yes, it costs money to provide basic infrastructure to remote communities. And ok, life would be simpler if everyone just moved to the city and got a job. Whether you happen to think funding aboriginal communities is a waste of money or not, basing your argument on the premise of <i>choice</i> seems idiotic, even for a Prime Minister who has turned Being An Idiot into a form of public art. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If you choose to have your parents send you off to private
school,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And you choose to be born rich and white and straight;<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If you choose to manufacture copper wire or fossil fuel,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Then we’ll spend our money on you, ‘cause you’re great.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>But<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If you choose to live in shelters, outback towns or on
Nauru,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Or you choose to come by boat or break a bone; <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>If you choose to lose your grant and join the unemployment
queue,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Then you’re going to have to make it on your own.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Sure<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>You use vouchers for your groceries and your clothes are second-hand,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And your bruises speak much louder than your voice,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And your lack of reading makes the dole forms hard to
understand,<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>But our hands are tied – you’ve clearly made your choice.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b> </b></div>
</div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-60966725015075799832015-03-01T11:34:00.000+11:002015-03-01T11:49:08.415+11:00Old Wives' Tales<b>Because scaring the bejesus out of children can be fun.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jonathon got a strabismus for Christmas;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He pulled a face once and the wind changed its tack.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Eleanor’s Mum’s out of action, in traction<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since Eleanor carelessly stepped on a crack.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Beelzebub’s stolen the soul of young Olaf <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Cause nobody blessed him right after a sneeze.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Stephanie went out exploring, ignoring<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The cold, and returned with a deadly disease.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Libby has square shapes for eyes; no surprise though – <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She spent half her days watching kids’ TV shows.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tom’s nostrils aren’t where he kept ‘em; his septum<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Caved in when he wouldn’t stop picking his nose.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tales such as these may seem flimsy, pure whimsy, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what if they’re true? Should you just pass them by?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Writing them off as mere fancy is chancy,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So do what you’re told, or you’ll probably die.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">Note: I must credit <a href="http://freethoughtblogs.com/cuttlefish/" target="_blank">The Digital Cuttlefish</a> once again for this verse form. It's almost impossible to steal something from a cuttlefish. </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-57526242042024814702015-02-13T16:14:00.001+11:002015-02-13T16:15:19.114+11:00Predictions<b>Because hurt feelings can't stop an epidemic.</b><br />
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
Let's have a little look at how science works. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1. Scientists observe something happening, and form a hypothesis about why. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
2. Scientists test the hypothesis by trying to make the same thing happen under controlled conditions.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
3. If the same thing happens again and again and again while testing the hypothesis, scientists can make predictions about it happening in the future. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
4. If the predictions come true, the scientists are happy and the world has a tasty new morsel of knowledge. </div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
Now, let's apply this to something real, like, say.... a vaccine. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1. Scientists observe that, when a high enough proportion of a population is vaccinated against measles, the disease virtually disappears from that population. Maybe the measles vaccine helps prevent measles?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
2. Scientists test the hypothesis by measuring the incidence of measles in populations with a high percentage of vaccinated people compared to populations with a low percentage of vaccinated people. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
3. Again and again, scientists find that, in highly vaccinated populations, measles outbreaks are small and rare, and in populations with low measles vaccination, lots of people get measles. They predict that in the future, when the percentage of vaccinated people drops below a certain amount, measles outbreaks will occur.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
4. Late last year, a person infected with measles visited Disneyland in California - an area with a reasonably high proportion of vaccine refusers - and infected other people with measles. Quite soon after that, <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/02/09/measles-outbreak-spreads-to-three-more-states-121-people-now-affected/" target="_blank">lots of people got the measles</a>. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Something else scientists could have predicted: The <a href="http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2015/02/10/measles-disneyland.aspx" target="_blank">usual suspects of vaccine denialism</a> began bending all the available information about the Disneyland outbreak to fit their pre-conceived idea that unvaccinated people have nothing to do with outbreaks of disease, and that relating an outbreak of disease to unvaccinated people is UNCOOL and HURTS PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I totally understand that the feelings of people who go to great lengths to deny the effectiveness of vaccines might be hurting. And I totally don't give a rat's arse. If loads and loads and loads of studies have found that measles outbreaks occur more often in unvaccinated populations, and you continue to deny that the current US measles outbreak has anything to do with unvaccinated people, there's not much I can do to help you. If you're cranky because science disagrees with you, tough. If you're out of sorts because diseases don't comply to your special view of the world, too bad. If the well-supported theory of herd immunity gives you a frowny face, cry me a frikkin' river. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But cheer up a little bit, because I wrote you a pome.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>You can’t bring a cat to a dog fight<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>To watch it get mauled<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And then act all appalled<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>At the dogs disobeying your rules. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>You can’t throw a fridge down a staircase<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And protest when it breaks<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Because gravity makes<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>No exceptions for self-absorbed fools.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>You can’t stick your hand in a blender<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Then demand some redress<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>For the blood-spattered mess<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>‘Cause you liked how it was at the start.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>You can’t help your kids catch the measles<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>By refusing a vax<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>In the face of all facts<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>But deny that you played any part.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>When scientists make a prediction<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Like the tides of the seas<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Or the spread of disease<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>They’ve seen it again and again.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>But your pox-ridden family is special!<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And although their afflictions<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Comply with predictions<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>YOU’RE RIGHT, and you’re going to complain.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-88542527404897233792015-02-02T11:57:00.000+11:002015-02-02T12:21:17.287+11:00Back.<b>Because ow. And not in a James Brown way.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sciatica’s stuffed up my dance moves;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can’t do a twirl or the splits.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The pain of the Rhumba<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(primarily lumbar)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is starting to give me the shits.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s little love left in my Tango;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My Robot is rusty with risk;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m thinking of stopping<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My locking and popping<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Before I go slipping a disc.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m likely to slow down a hoe-down;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My boot-scootin’s way out of line.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m mostly forgoing<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Large-scale do-si-do-ing<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For lack of a flexible spine.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My Nutbush is nearing its limits;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The shake in my tail feather’s shrunk;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My Bird doesn’t fly<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And my Sprinkler’s gone dry<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And there’s bugger all funk in my trunk.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My verterbrae won’t be found Voguing;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I won’t do a dip or a spin;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No tap-step-ball-change<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Will be part of my range<o:p></o:p></div>
Until this Ibuprofen kicks in.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-83698726423989135062014-12-10T13:58:00.001+11:002014-12-10T13:58:30.814+11:00What not to do.<b>Because people really do these things. </b><div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
I am constantly astounded by the things some people are prepared to do in their search for enhanced wellness. I understand that pain, frustration, desperation and fear of death are pretty solid motivators to try some out-of-the-ordinary treatments, but surely even the strongest emotions can be subdued for the few seconds it takes someone to ask themselves, "Should I <i>really</i> stick this enormous needle in my cock?"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So here's my advice:<br /><br /><br /><br /><div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t smear <a href="http://drnick.net/index.php?p=341255">flesh-dissolving
ointment</a> on your cervix.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t squirt warm, organic <a href="http://www.jessainscough.com/2011/07/coffee-enemas-what-can-go-wrong/">coffee
up your arse</a>. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t treat pain by <a href="http://nexusilluminati.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/healing-with-urine-therapy.html">drinking
widdle</a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t tie <a href="https://www.magneticexperience.com.au/index.php?route=product/category&path=2">magnets</a>
‘round your middle.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t let someone <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTIV-VpihmU">bleed your scalp</a> into a
glass.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t push <a href="http://thepowerofpoop.com/epatients/fecal-transplant-instructions/">someone
else’s turd</a> through your intestines.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t stick <a href="http://www.audiology.org/news/ear-candles-and-candling-ineffective-and-dangerous">burning
bits of fabric</a> in your ear. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t <a href="http://whatstheharm.net/colloidalsilver.html">scull
silver for infection</a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t <a href="http://priapusshot.com/">inject your own
erection</a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/national/miracle-elixir-linked-to-death-illness-20100821-13a2z.html">drink
bleach</a> to make your tumour disappear. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t <a href="http://drdeanhowell.com/ncr_articles_ncr_technique/">inflate a small
balloon</a> inside your face-hole.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t drink <a href="http://homeopathyplus.com.au/know-your-remedies-apis-mellifica/">crushed,
diluted bees</a> to cure the ‘flu</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t <a href="https://www.productsafety.gov.au/content/index.phtml/itemId/989380">use
beads to help with teething</a>.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t <a href="http://www.heraldsun.com.au/archive/news/swiss-woman-starved-to-death-on-daylight-diet/story-e6frf7lf-1226339082591">quit
food and drink</a> for breathing</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Cause they’re really rather stupid things to do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t seek medical advice by browsing YouTube.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t believe what <a href="http://www.essentialbaby.com.au/wellbeing/mind-and-body/pete-evans-says-a-paleo-diet-can-prevent-autism-hes-wrong-20141012-115356.html">chefs</a>
and <a href="http://rosaliehilleman.wordpress.com/2014/02/21/the-wellness-warrior-denial-delusion-or-dishonesty/">wellness
gurus</a> say.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t think maybe you should try it </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Cause a movie star stands by it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If it seems a little dodgy, run away.</div>
</div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-81948567360334571342014-11-25T14:34:00.000+11:002014-11-25T14:34:52.033+11:00Vessel.<b>Because the good stuff is inside.</b><div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This birth-beaten body
is mine.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">These walk-weary bones
and these stockingbag stones.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This inching,
unflinching decline.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">These blear-bordered
eyes and this puckered disguise.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This creaking
contortion of dust.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">These pin-pestered
nerves and these destitute curves.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This spot-stippled, care-furrowed
crust.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">These grease-battered
clots and these gristle-bound knots.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This birth-beaten body
is mine.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This animate archive is
me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Each pain-peppered leaf
and each entry of grief,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Each morsel of mental debris,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Each flame-frosted cake
and each paper-plate wake,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Each fizzing ignition
of bliss,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Each love-lousy ode and
each moral bestowed,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Each gamble, each gut
punch, each kiss,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Each appetite stirred
and each page-guzzled word,<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">This animate archive is
me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
</div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-59072395610486211032014-11-24T23:40:00.000+11:002014-11-25T13:45:02.245+11:00For Jack<b>Because good blokes don't live forever.</b><br />
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
He made time for you, Jack did. </div>
<div>
As if he had buckets of the stuff,</div>
<div>
Balanced on his handlebars.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Such a small thing, really.</div>
<div>
A wave, a nod, a wink.</div>
<div>
It didn't have to be done. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That fire, that warmth. </div>
<div>
You can't ration that.</div>
<div>
But breath is different.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Jack was a bloke at my gym. That in itself is unremarkable. But everyone knew Jack. You'd know he was there,by his bicycle parked just outside the door. You'd hear his name bursting like popcorn from around the room. "Hello, Jack!" "G'day Jack!" You had to shout a bit. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I only knew Jack for about five years - a long time after he played first-grade Rugby League, after he had a family and retired. He was about 88 when he first introduced himself with that tidy smile. I'd see him once or twice a week, just getting on with things. I don't remember ever hearing him complain.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Jack would always, <i>always </i>say hello, but never goodbye. It was always "good onya". </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
He died last week. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Good onya, Jack. You set the bar for human decency a bit high, mate</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<a href="http://www.prattenparkmagpies.info/?page_id=1269." target="_blank">Vale Jack Woods</a></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-85044915151139887602014-10-30T09:17:00.002+11:002014-10-30T09:17:36.236+11:00Prayer<b>Because it never hurts to ask.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b><br /></b>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear universe, excite me<br /><span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36pt;">with the secrets
that you hold.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear humankind, invite me,<br /><span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36pt;">as I am, into
your fold.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear planet Earth, outlive me;<br /><span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36pt;">feed the ones I
leave behind.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear progeny, forgive me<br /><span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36pt;">for a future
undermined.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear ancestors, instruct me;<br /><span style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36pt;">let my errors be
forestalled.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear history, induct me;<br /><span style="line-height: 150%;">let my triumphs
be recalled.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear circumstance, select me<br /><span style="line-height: 150%;">for the fortune
you dispense.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear fortitude, protect me;<br /><span style="line-height: 150%;">persevere in my
defence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear prejudice, unbind me;<br /><span style="line-height: 150%;">let my view be
unobscured.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear privilege, remind me<br /><span style="line-height: 150%;">of the comfort
I’ve secured.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear intellect, escort me;<br /><span style="line-height: 150%;">stay forever by
my side.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
Dear skin and bones, support me<br /><span style="line-height: 150%;">‘til I take my
final stride.</span></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-45456283753450727352014-10-17T12:22:00.000+11:002014-10-19T15:34:44.831+11:00Christopher Pyne's Lament<b>Because the Good Old Days were so <i>nice.</i></b><br />
<div>
<b><i><br /></i></b></div>
<div>
Federal Education Minister Christopher Pyne is upset. Our schools' curricula aren't doing their job. They're not currently teaching Australia's children The Things That Christopher Pyne Likes, which are (as he suggests in <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-10-13/schools-need-to-get-back-to-basics/5811024" target="_blank">this interview</a>) "<i>history, literacy, numeracy, science</i>", "<i>Western civilisation</i>" and "<i>our Judeo-Christian heritage</i>". Something MUST BE DONE.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Leaving aside the extreme wibbly-wobbliness of the not-quite-accurate "Judeo-Christian" claim (see the gaping holes in the term exposed by Tony Taylor <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-opinion/curriculum-review-a-hohum-effort-on-history-20141014-115n7z.html" target="_blank">here</a> and by Chrys Stevenson <a href="http://thatsmyphilosophy.wordpress.com/2014/06/24/jeremy-bentham-and-australia-a-speech-to-the-nsw-humanists/" target="_blank">here</a>), Mr Pyne wants to return to the Good Old Days, when children had phonics and times tables whacked into them with a cane, when nobody argued about what Australia Day means, and when multiculturalism was just a fancy way of saying "Look! There's spaghetti in the shops now!".</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Maybe I'm not explaining what Christopher Pyne wants very well. Maybe Christopher Pyne needs to explain it himself, in rhyming couplets. Take it away, ChrisPy:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
<b>We must learn about Judeo-Christian conquerors and kings!</b></div>
<div>
<b>And Judeo-Christian history! And Judeo-Christian things!</b></div>
<div>
<b>And Judeo-Christian English! And Judeo-Christian science!</b></div>
<div>
<b>And Judeo-Christian punishment for wilful non-compliance!</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Non-Judeo-Christian education simply shan’t be had.</b></div>
<div>
<b>It makes fine, upright, Judeo-Christian citizens look bad!</b></div>
<div>
<b>If a lesson fails to make Judeo-Christian people proud,</b></div>
<div>
<b>Then it’s simply (by Judeo-Christian standards) not allowed.</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Any subjects that appease the God of Abraham are apt;</b></div>
<div>
<b>But the other, more barbaric ones should probably be scrapped.</b></div>
<div>
<b>Asian neighbours, the Indigenous and other foreign stuff</b></div>
<div>
<b>Are all well and good, but not <i>Judeo-Christian-y</i> enough.</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Sure, for forty thousand years there’s been <i>some</i> people here, but look:</b></div>
<div>
<b>Nothing worthwhile really happened ‘til they met with Captain Cook.</b></div>
<div>
<b>Since that day, our nation’s greatness simply cannot be denied.</b></div>
<div>
<b>Our curriculum needs cleaning up, so here’s a simple guide:</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>If it’s nice and white and clean and mentions ANZAC Day, it’s IN.</b></div>
<div>
<b>If it dares to bad-mouth God or Jesus, CHUCK IT IN THE BIN!</b></div>
<div>
<b>If it’s yellow, brown or – worst of all – a shade of Green, NO WAY.</b></div>
<div>
<b>If it’s Western and it’s civilised and likes the Queen, then YAY!</b></div>
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<b>Soon, Judeo-Christian schoolkids with Judeo-Christian knowledge,</b></div>
<div>
<b>Will bring shiny, Western thoughts to their Judeo-Christian college.</b></div>
<div>
<b>Their Judeo-Christian books will line Judeo-Christian shelves</b></div>
<div>
<b>While they frown upon those less Judeo-Christian than themselves.</b></div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-61072021187366631282014-10-16T10:28:00.000+11:002014-10-16T10:28:44.561+11:00Secrets<b>Because everyone has one.</b><div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can’t tell by looking.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She makes lustrous forests from stones and wire.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He teaches French horn in the afternoons.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She draws cartoons.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He’s raising his daughter’s kids.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She cooks for her neighbour.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He slept in a shed last night.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She hasn’t used today, but she might.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A battery maintains his heart.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s months since she enjoyed a meal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His knees aren’t real.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She lost her baby.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He lost his wife.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Her tattoo hides the tale of a knife.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can’t tell by looking.</div>
</div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-65566461890248653062014-09-11T20:55:00.000+10:002014-09-11T20:55:04.644+10:00Needle vs Haystack<b>Because one in a million isn't always good.</b><div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You went searching for a schism in the study of autism,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
‘Cause you’re certain vaccines cause it, and that needs to
be explored.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And for every tract or lecture in support of your conjecture,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You found many more against, which you summarily ignored. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the scientists conforming to the norm of global warming</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Are, in your opinion, wrong, or at the very least misled;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since an expert crunched some figures, showing human-centric
triggers</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Are a load of crap, so never mind what <i>other</i> experts said.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’ve heard claims that every fossil ever found makes a
colossal</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Case for evolution here on Earth, including humankind.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But you noticed an omission in the record of transition</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From bacterium to human, so you’re sure we’ve been designed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You could search the world all over for a tiny four-leaf
clover;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or a hidden ukulele in a pile of violins;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For a prickle in a thicket, or a lucky golden ticket,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or a silver needle buried in a haystack full of pins.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You’ll find papers reinforcing the position you’re
endorsing,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So hooray for you, you clever sausage! Everybody cheer!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But the confirmation bias of statistical outliers</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Doesn’t make the weight of evidence against you disappear.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-52514279450530898832014-08-29T21:28:00.000+10:002014-08-29T21:28:46.848+10:00How to be a Christian<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/gosford-anglican-churchs-father-rod-bower-and-his-signs-of-the-times-20140707-zsz5z.html">He’s</a>
the champion of the poor, the lost, the meek and dispossessed;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He invites all creeds and colours to his parish to be
blessed;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He believes in being human, and in peaceable protest;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He loves Jesus, and he calls himself a Christian.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://hillsong.com/brian-bobbie">They’re</a> a
loving, married couple with a huge and loyal flock;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Spreading news of God through microphones and family-friendly
rock;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They already know the getting-into-heaven secret knock;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Praise the Lord! Ch-ching! They call each other Christian.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/tony-abbotts-visit-to-cancer-hospital-used-to-justify-fundraising-visit-20140826-108nxo.html">He</a>
attends the sick and needy, if he gets the flights for free;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He tells lies and sells his arse to gain election victory;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He’ll support a wealthy mogul, but turn back a refugee;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He’s not quite a priest, but calls himself a Christian.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Pell">He’s</a>
ensconced within the Vatican, with wine and jewels and prayer;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He condones the rape of children by the men charged with
their care;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He’ll protect the church’s name, but not those families in
despair;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He’s a cardinal, and calls himself a Christian.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, I’ve read the Holy Bible, but I’m still a bit confused;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
About what a “Christian” says and does, and how the word is
used;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Which behaviour’s unforgivable, and which can be excused?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By what standards can one call oneself a Christian?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I look to Christian leaders, their example isn’t plain;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some are good and meek and giving, some destructive, cruel
and vain;</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there is a single common thread, a prevalent refrain:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Someone’s Christian if they<i> </i>call themselves<i> </i>a
Christian.</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-89369054290399667502014-08-08T10:29:00.000+10:002014-08-08T11:17:05.526+10:00Erica Betz<b>Because 1950s babies are better than your babies.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Eric Abetz, Leader of the Government in the Senate, Minister for Employment and unabashed anti-abortionist, expressed his respect for studies "back from the 1950s" that support a link between breast cancer and abortion in a <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/eric-abetz-draws-link-between-abortion-and-breast-cancer-before-world-congress-of-families-20140807-101p60.html" target="_blank">television interview</a> last night. The people on the internet went crazy, and this morning the Senator is on his back-pedal bike, claiming that he was cut off when he was about to say that the link isn't supported by current medical thinking.<br />
<br />
Whatever, Eric. You're attending the <a href="http://worldcongress.org/" target="_blank">World Congress of Families</a> event in Melbourne this month because it has aims that you <a href="http://abetz.com.au/news/statement" target="_blank">"broadly support"</a>. You've never been shy about your stance on abortion and so-called 'Family Values' which is the world's worst euphemism for "Ladies and Homos should do as they're told".<br />
<br />
I can't speak for everyone, but I think you meant it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Eric Abetz has no regrets.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>He said what he meant to say.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>A woman is best when stout of breast</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>And well in the family way.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>He’s here to discuss your uterus -</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>It doesn’t belong to you;</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Those studies begun since Menzies’ run</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Are not worth a brass razoo.</b></div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-86105440269101612562014-07-29T19:15:00.000+10:002014-07-29T19:23:33.874+10:00Feminish<b>Because I honestly don't know.</b><br />
<div>
<b><br /></b></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Could it be I’m not a feminist? I’m never really sure.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t think it means the thing I used to think it meant
before. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And despite the helpful anecdotes and practical suggestions</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From enthusiastic people on the web, I have some questions:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can I shave my legs and armpits? Can I shop for sexy bras?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can I ask for help with moving house and stubborn lids on
jars?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can I sneak a sidelong glance at well-formed bottoms at the
gym?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can I praise a man’s physique without objectifying him?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I take my husband’s surname, have I finished being me?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I earn more than my partner, is that inequality?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I pole-dance in a bar, am I exploited or empowered?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I don’t walk home at night-time, am I smart or just a
coward? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is it ok if I giggle when a sexist joke is funny?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is it ok if I answer when a male friend calls me “honey”?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is it ok to say “suffragist” instead of “suffragette”?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is it ok if I don’t assume that every man’s a threat?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Should I ask the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malala_Yousafzai">girl</a> who risks her
life by learning maths and reading?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bibi_Aisha">woman</a>
left to perish slowly, faceless, cut and bleeding?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Should I ask how <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_genital_mutilation">FGM</a> or <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acid_throwing">acid-throwing</a> victims
feel</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
About whether it’s insulting when a man pays for a meal?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23685855.post-20741936556191378842014-06-27T09:34:00.001+10:002014-06-27T09:37:00.313+10:00Zorin.<b>Because 1985.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
This morning, my sister <a href="https://twitter.com/jothornely" target="_blank">Jo</a> was having trouble with an earworm, and she was nice enough to share her troubles with me:<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghyphenhyphengtlLeysQIiI_iRO5ay4yXbwUJ6XATPVAFP__c5d9qvkQbYhmXo6g6GFJsyiXjSEgB4cygkUdxWhAt-09REBADbT5gM1hwWt2uAqHOYJeYdhCh-5Lq2n0wTdwXJ5M0vxjk4/s1600/my+name+is+zorin.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghyphenhyphengtlLeysQIiI_iRO5ay4yXbwUJ6XATPVAFP__c5d9qvkQbYhmXo6g6GFJsyiXjSEgB4cygkUdxWhAt-09REBADbT5gM1hwWt2uAqHOYJeYdhCh-5Lq2n0wTdwXJ5M0vxjk4/s1600/my+name+is+zorin.png" height="73" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"I have the <br />My Name Is Zoran <br />song stuck in my head."</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
I think we need some back story here.<br />
<br />
The year was 1985. We'd gone with a bunch of giggling Duran-Duran-fangirl companions to see <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090264/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1" target="_blank">A View to a Kill</a></i>, featuring a peroxide-blonde Christopher Walken as Max Zorin, corporate super-villain. We decided he was fabulous (Not <i><a href="http://www.biography.com/people/nick-rhodes-20902879#awesm=~oIl8fLvre4iBS7" target="_blank">Nick Rhodes</a></i> fabulous, but still top shelf).<br />
<br />
So we all got together and wrote a tribute song, to the tune of a long-forgotten bank advertising jingle. Because that's what 14-year-old girls do.<br />
<br />
Here it is, pulled from the far back part of my brain (as you can see, I've maintained the same standard of lyrical wizardry for the last 30 years):<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>My name is Zorin</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>And I'm a psycho</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>I like blowing up people in their face.</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>It's so funny but</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>'Cause I'm so mental</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>I was given steroids when I was three.</b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Have a great Friday. </div>
<br />
<br />shellityhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09947174303617760411noreply@blogger.com2