With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan (and thanks to bastardsheep for help with pronounciationment), I bring you the first instalment* of my skeptical libretto, to be sung to the tune of the Major General's Song:
I am the very model of an anti-vaccine activist,
My information doesn't come from any kind of scientist,
I searched around the internet and found whale.to and Natural News,
I have a 'Mommy Instinct' and hold sacred people’s right to choose,
My slick qualifications come from Google University,
I majored in Conspiracy and Medical Perversity,
I rarely read full articles and cherry-pick for useful quotes,
My references are letters to the editor and anecdotes,
The thought of needles jabbed in kiddies’ arms brings on hysteria,
I’d rather kids had chicken pox, rubella or diphtheria,
My knowledge is worth more than any doctor or biologist,
I am the very model of an anti-vaccine activist.
I am the very model of a modern psychic medium,
My customers are haunted by dead relatives and tedium,
I make up little stories based on what they might have done or said,
And how they sit and where they look and if and when they nod their head,
I’ve memorised events and names both current and historical,
I’m good at making anything sound deep and metaphorical,
And turning random statements into comprehensive narrative,
Which can’t always be ethical or right but it is lucrative,
The clients always leave feeling their life is more harmonious,
I’m lucky they don’t notice all the bits that are erroneous,
John Edwards fooled enough people to fill a frikkin’ stadium,
I am the very model of a modern psychic medium.
I am the very model of a quack of homeopathy,
Allow me to explain my magic, starting at the top of the
Long list of those conditions that my special water’s said to treat,
Bursitis, palpitations, chronic flatulence and smelly feet,
Rhinitis, anorexia, depression, thrush and Crohn’s disease,
Rosacea, infertility, bronchitis and arthritic knees,
Autism, migraine, dermatitis, Lupus and Leukaemia,
Confusion, insecurity, bereavement and anaemia,
Insomnia, malaria, dyslexia and PMS.
Cirrhosis, acidosis, scoliosis and forgetfulness
There isn’t anything for which I won’t prescribe a therapy
I am the very model of a quack of homeopathy.
*Let's be honest: it's unlikely that I'll get off my bum and write any further instalments, but there's enough material out there for several more stanzas.