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08 August 2014

Erica Betz

Because 1950s babies are better than your babies.

Eric Abetz, Leader of the Government in the Senate, Minister for Employment and unabashed anti-abortionist, expressed his respect for studies "back from the 1950s" that support a link between breast cancer and abortion in a television interview last night.  The people on the internet went crazy, and this morning the Senator is on his back-pedal bike, claiming that he was cut off when he was about to say that the link isn't supported by current medical thinking.

Whatever, Eric. You're attending the World Congress of Families event in Melbourne this month because it has aims that you "broadly support". You've never been shy about your stance on abortion and so-called 'Family Values' which is the world's worst euphemism for "Ladies and Homos should do as they're told".

I can't speak for everyone, but I think you meant it.


Eric Abetz has no regrets.
He said what he meant to say.
A woman is best when stout of breast
And well in the family way.
He’s here to discuss your uterus -
It doesn’t belong to you;
Those studies begun since Menzies’ run
Are not worth a brass razoo.

29 July 2014

Feminish

Because I honestly don't know.


Could it be I’m not a feminist? I’m never really sure.
I don’t think it means the thing I used to think it meant before.
And despite the helpful anecdotes and practical suggestions
From enthusiastic people on the web, I have some questions:

Can I shave my legs and armpits? Can I shop for sexy bras?
Can I ask for help with moving house and stubborn lids on jars?
Can I sneak a sidelong glance at well-formed bottoms at the gym?
Can I praise a man’s physique without objectifying him?

If I take my husband’s surname, have I finished being me?
If I earn more than my partner, is that inequality?
If I pole-dance in a bar, am I exploited or empowered?
If I don’t walk home at night-time, am I smart or just a coward?

Is it ok if I giggle when a sexist joke is funny?
Is it ok if I answer when a male friend calls me “honey”?
Is it ok to say “suffragist” instead of “suffragette”?
Is it ok if I don’t assume that every man’s a threat?

Should I ask the girl who risks her life by learning maths and reading?
Or the woman left to perish slowly, faceless, cut and bleeding?
Should I ask how FGM or acid-throwing victims feel
About whether it’s insulting when a man pays for a meal?

27 June 2014

Zorin.

Because 1985.

This morning, my sister Jo was having trouble with an earworm, and she was nice enough to share her troubles with me:
"I have the
My Name Is Zoran
song stuck in my head."


I think we need some back story here.

The year was 1985. We'd gone with a bunch of giggling Duran-Duran-fangirl companions to see A View to a Kill, featuring a peroxide-blonde Christopher Walken as Max Zorin, corporate super-villain. We decided he was fabulous (Not Nick Rhodes fabulous, but still top shelf).

So we all got together and wrote a tribute song, to the tune of a long-forgotten bank advertising jingle. Because that's what 14-year-old girls do.

Here it is, pulled from the far back part of my brain (as you can see, I've maintained the same standard of lyrical wizardry for the last 30 years):

My name is Zorin
And I'm a psycho
I like blowing up people in their face.
It's so funny but
'Cause I'm so mental
I was given steroids when I was three.


Have a great Friday. 


30 May 2014

Disease, False Balance and Meryl Dorey - a Guide for Media

Because her opinion isn't news.

For the benefit of media who think it's worth consulting anti-vaccine lobbyists for "their side" when writing about the serious issue of immunisation, I'd like to suggest a few points, if I may:

1. Right now in Australia we're battling outbreaks of measles and whooping cough

2. Evidence has shown that creating false balance by providing anti-vaccine speakers (who have opinions based on opinions) a platform alongside medical experts (who have opinions based on evidence), makes people give more credence to the anti-vaccine view than if it was presented in isolation. 

3. As I see it, if you include an anti-vaccine lobbyist alongside an expert in a story about vaccination, you are hindering the success of public health initiatives and contributing to the spread of vaccine-preventable diseases.

4. This:

Who says having eyes to read stuff with trumps medical degrees?
Who says doctors murder babies? Yes, it’s (tut, sigh) Meryl Dorey.

Who says people who shake babies aren’t to blame for fractured ribs?
Who says death from Whooping Cough is just some mother’s made-up story?
Who says measles is a gift? That’s right, it’s (head-desk) Meryl Dorey.

Who says AIDS might not be real because she’s not seen HIV?
Who says polio’s still rife, but in a different category?
Who says vaccines cause autism? Same old (face palm) Meryl Dorey.

Who says Meryl Dorey’s incorrect? My state’s HCCC.
Who says Meryl’s claims are bulldust? People at the ABC.
Who says Meryl is misleading? Why, the Office of Fair Trading.
So don’t put her in your story, ‘less your story needs degrading.

16 May 2014

Straya

Because it's not all about cricket and prawns.

Endless beaches
Parrot screeches
Desert sands of rusty red.
Tiny cozzies
Giant mozzies
Spiders that can eat your head.
Oil refining
Big pit mining
Possums, snakes and kangaroos.
Beer for sculling
Sharks for culling
Sweaty Southern Cross tattoos.
Racing horses
Border forces
Offshore gaols for refugees.
Children stolen
Cities swollen
Wilderness devoid of trees.
Budget crunches
Coward punches
Freedom to insult a race.
Climate stalling
No point bawling
Better than another place. 

08 May 2014

How to Make a Baby

Because lady anatomy is hard.

Today, member of Victorian Parliament and self-appointed Minister For Pink Bits Geoff Shaw had something to say about abortion laws. Like so many other Proper Christian Men who are in charge of ladies' bodies, he took a very rational and scientific approach to the issue. To illustrate:

“Here in Australia we can’t kill snake eggs but we are quite happy to kill an egg in the tummy and it should be the safest place for a baby to be."


And so, to celebrate Shaw's impeccable grasp of the female anatomy and its role in reproduction, I give you this:

When a lady and a man who love each other very much,
Get together in a comfy place for love-cuddles and such,
All the dangly bits on one side get all hard and sort of uppy,
And the lady lies quite still, just like a well-trained little puppy.
Then the sticky-uppy sausage does an inny-outy dance
‘Til it spills some little fishies and goes back into its pants.
All the fishies have a swim (because they haven’t any legs)
Through the Cylinder of Mystery ‘til they reach the tummy eggs.
While the fishies and the tummy eggs all have a little chat,
POP! SHAZAM! A babby’s safe inside the lady, just like that.
Then the doctor takes the babby out with special babby-tweezers
And then everyone gives thanks to God and little baby Jesus.

07 May 2014

How to Prime Minister

Because sometimes I just get cross.

You don’t have to be a prick to be in politics;
You don’t have to dig up departmental dirt;
You don’t have to be a knob
To maintain the highest job;
But it sure as Tony’s scrotum doesn’t hurt.