Regrexit

Because hindsight, at today's exchange rate, is still 20/20

Whoops! I thought that we was voting summink different innit;

I didn’t know we’d really take the EU and, like, bin it.

For sure I thought the ‘Leave’ vote would add up to less than half;

I only voted ‘Leave’ ‘cause my mates dared me for a laugh.

That Nigel bloke said immigrants was stealin’ British jobs;

I didn’t know that Nigel is the king of racist nobs.

He said we’d save some money that could save the NHS;

There’s more to this than what he might’ve said (or not) I guess;

‘Cause now the Pound is down and our financial future’s drab;

But most importantly: CAN I STILL GET A CHEAP KEBAB?

When the campaign is Donne

Because halfway through an election campaign is as good a time as any to get metaphysical. 

When next the visage of the moon

Turns coyly from the Earth to wane

In Southern lands, a mournful tune

Plays soft to endeth this campaign

Two foes, hast did declare their troth

As means to quench a powr’ful thirst

One side intendeth jobs and growth

The other, putting people first.

What trigger’d such a grand event?

A solemn vow to disagree

‘Til twice-dissolved, our parliament

Restored not the ABCC

For fortnights twain a battle fought

Continued twenty-eight days more

We sit upon the rowboat’s thwart

With battens placed for what’s in store.

What promises are made thus far?

What quarter shall our champions give

To childcare, tax, the NBN

And gearing in the negative?

As rivals gloat and bluff and boast

It matters not what happens hence

The policies that matter most

Seem nothing much of consequence

Of marriage just, nor refugees

Spake neither glori’ed bureaucrat;

More time and swathes of journalese

Apportioned to a blessed rat.

Two Thousand and Fifteen

Because 'tis the season to write lists of things.

In December I remember
Everything that’s been;
Listed tersely and diversely,
Here’s my two-zero-fifteen:

Batty’s laurels, budget quarrels
Adelaide alight;
Newman’s booting, Hebdo shooting;
Old Prince Phillip dubbed a knight.

Six-flag pressers, coloured dresses,
Peter Greste freed;
Triggs’ indicters, hepatitis,
Libspill 1 did not succeed.

GP practice fees were cactus;
Baird won one term more;
Data stashing, alpine crashing,
Abbott ate an onion raw.

Young Belle Gibson told some fibs and
Earthquakes rocked Nepal;
ANZAC heroes reached two zeroes;
Bali Nine boys’ final call.

Rising waters, royal daughters,
Depp’s dogs on death row;
Same sex weddings, bad coughs spreading
Goodesy stole the whole damn show.

Joseph Blatter’s FIFA matters,
TEN Australian flags;
Daesh drama, Dalai Lama,
Jenner graced some glossy mags.

Cricket ashes, Greek debt crashes,
Java’s skies turned dark;
Bronnie hopped a helicopter,
Michael Fanning punched a shark.

Tourists slaughtered, murder thwarted,
Cheaters’ names were viewed;
Plane wing mystery, Bishop’s history,
Operation Fortitude.

Pilgrims dying, Vee-dub’s lying,
Libspill two was ON;
ScoMo’s winger dropped a zinger,
Turnbull’s in and Tony’s gone.

Shootings shatter Parramatta,
All Blacks took the Cup;
Doc Brown’s travels, Johns unravels,
Stocco outlaws’ time is up.

Bulldog cruising, bomb blasts bruising
Paris and Beirut;
Russians plummet, climate summit,
Payne wins racing’s biggest loot.

Burning houses, canine trousers,
Star Wars on the screen;
Briggs’s hickie, George Pell’s sickie,
Roll on two-zero-sixteen..

The Twelve Days of Poxmas

Because we have a vaccine now. 

Some parents think holding "pox parties" to deliberately infect other people's kids with chicken pox - a usually mild but very uncomfortable disease with long-term complications - is preferable to having a quick jab. Perhaps they think the vaccine is more dangerous than the disease (it isn't). Perhaps they think it'll all be over in a week or so (it won't). Perhaps they think nobody ever dies from chicken pox (they do). Perhaps they don't think. 

Anyway, Pox Party Parents: this little festive jingle is for you and your poor kids. 

On the first day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

A flatlining E-C-G.

On the second day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the third day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the fourth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the fifth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the sixth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the seventh day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the eighth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the ninth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Nausea and shingles

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the tenth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Encephalitis

Nausea and shingles

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Bloodstained sheets from scratching

Encephalitis

Nausea and shingles

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Viral pneumonia

Bloodstained sheets from scratching

Encephalitis

Nausea and shingles

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

Good government starts today.

Because we need to start a conversation about "good" and "today".

On Monday 9 February, Prime Minister Tony Abbott faced the media after emerging mildly victorious from a spill motion and announced: 

"Good government starts today."

But, like with everything the Prime Minister says, there has been some confusion. Given that, during the six weeks since his claim he's sidelined indigenous Australians, patronised Irish Australians, attempted to destroy the reputation of the Australian Human Rights Commission, brushed off allegations of physical and sexual abuse in our offshore detention centres and eaten a raw onion as if it was a sane thing to do, I think we need a little clarification about what constitutes "good government" and "today".

I asked the Prime Minister to come up with his own explanation in no more than six rhyming quatrains, and he was remarkably obliging: 

Good government starts today. Hooray!

My standards won’t fall beneath

The era of steam or the Pot regime.

(But first let me clean my teeth.)

Good government starts at half-past nine!

I promise I’ll try to be

Much less of an arse to the working class.

(Once I’ve had this cup of tea.)

Good government starts right after lunch!

Our policies shan’t be feared.

I’ll do what I ought with the Moss report.

(As soon as the plates are cleared.)

Good government starts this afternoon!

I’m certainly going to do

A much better job for the native mob.

(Beginning at ten past two.)

Good government starts at dinner time!

I’ll show nothing but remorse

For all of the brawls and the captain’s calls.

(Right after the seventh course.)

Good government starts at beddy-byes!

There’ll be no more pain or sorrow.

That’s a firm guarantee from my team and me:

Good government starts tomorrow.

Lifestyle Choices

Because some choices are more difficult than "which tie will I wear today?"

It's becoming increasingly clear that the only way our Prime Minister Tony Abbott can avoid saying ridiculously ill-informed things is to shut his privileged gob altogether. The latest morsel of mindlessness he dumped on the Australian population he clearly loathes was this: 

"What we can't do is endlessly subsidise lifestyle choices if those lifestyle choices are not conducive to the kind of full participation in Australian society that everyone should have."

What does he mean by "lifestyle choices"? He's not talking about overseas holidays, wearing cycling gear to the office or buying a European town car. He's talking about infrastructure, support and schooling in remote indigenous communities. 

Sure, they're just words. And yes, it costs money to provide basic infrastructure to remote communities. And ok, life would be simpler if everyone just moved to the city and got a job. Whether you happen to think funding aboriginal communities is a waste of money or not, basing your argument on the premise of choice seems idiotic, even for a Prime Minister who has turned Being An Idiot into a form of public art. 

If you choose to have your parents send you off to private school,

And you choose to be born rich and white and straight;

If you choose to manufacture copper wire or fossil fuel,

Then we’ll spend our money on you, ‘cause you’re great.

But

If you choose to live in shelters, outback towns or on Nauru,

Or you choose to come by boat or break a bone;

If you choose to lose your grant and join the unemployment queue,

Then you’re going to have to make it on your own.

Sure

You use vouchers for your groceries and your clothes are second-hand,

And your bruises speak much louder than your voice,

And your lack of reading makes the dole forms hard to understand,

But our hands are tied – you’ve clearly made your choice.

  

Christopher Pyne's Lament

Because the Good Old Days were so nice.

Federal Education Minister Christopher Pyne is upset. Our schools' curricula aren't doing their job. They're not currently teaching Australia's children The Things That Christopher Pyne Likes, which are (as he suggests in this interview) "history, literacy, numeracy, science", "Western civilisation" and "our Judeo-Christian heritage". Something MUST BE DONE.

Leaving aside the extreme wibbly-wobbliness of the not-quite-accurate "Judeo-Christian" claim (see the gaping holes in the term exposed by Tony Taylor here and by Chrys Stevenson here),  Mr Pyne wants to return to the Good Old Days, when children had phonics and times tables whacked into them with a cane, when nobody argued about what Australia Day means, and when multiculturalism was just a fancy way of saying "Look! There's spaghetti in the shops now!".

Maybe I'm not explaining what Christopher Pyne wants very well. Maybe Christopher Pyne needs to explain it himself, in rhyming couplets. Take it away, ChrisPy:

We must learn about Judeo-Christian conquerors and kings!

And Judeo-Christian history! And Judeo-Christian things!

And Judeo-Christian English! And Judeo-Christian science!

And Judeo-Christian punishment for wilful non-compliance!

Non-Judeo-Christian education simply shan’t be had.

It makes fine, upright, Judeo-Christian citizens look bad!

If a lesson fails to make Judeo-Christian people proud,

Then it’s simply (by Judeo-Christian standards) not allowed.

Any subjects that appease the God of Abraham are apt;

But the other, more barbaric ones should probably be scrapped.

Asian neighbours, the Indigenous and other foreign stuff

Are all well and good, but not Judeo-Christian-y enough.

Sure, for forty thousand years there’s been some people here, but look:

Nothing worthwhile really happened ‘til they met with Captain Cook.

Since that day, our nation’s greatness simply cannot be denied.

Our curriculum needs cleaning up, so here’s a simple guide:

If it’s nice and white and clean and mentions ANZAC Day, it’s IN.

If it dares to bad-mouth God or Jesus, CHUCK IT IN THE BIN!

If it’s yellow, brown or – worst of all – a shade of Green, NO WAY.

If it’s Western and it’s civilised and likes the Queen, then YAY!

Soon, Judeo-Christian schoolkids with Judeo-Christian knowledge,

Will bring shiny, Western thoughts to their Judeo-Christian college.

Their Judeo-Christian books will line Judeo-Christian shelves

While they frown upon those less Judeo-Christian than themselves.

Erica Betz

Because 1950s babies are better than your babies.

Eric Abetz, Leader of the Government in the Senate, Minister for Employment and unabashed anti-abortionist, expressed his respect for studies "back from the 1950s" that support a link between breast cancer and abortion in a television interview last night.  The people on the internet went crazy, and this morning the Senator is on his back-pedal bike, claiming that he was cut off when he was about to say that the link isn't supported by current medical thinking.

Whatever, Eric. You're attending the World Congress of Families event in Melbourne this month because it has aims that you "broadly support". You've never been shy about your stance on abortion and so-called 'Family Values' which is the world's worst euphemism for "Ladies and Homos should do as they're told".

I can't speak for everyone, but I think you meant it.

Eric Abetz has no regrets.

He said what he meant to say.

A woman is best when stout of breast

And well in the family way.

He’s here to discuss your uterus -

It doesn’t belong to you;

Those studies begun since Menzies’ run

Are not worth a brass razoo.

Undead

Because he probably should have left a note.

"I'm sorry, Mr Miller, but there's nothing I can do;
The computer says you're not allowed to drive."
"What's the matter? Was my application not quite up to scratch?"
"No. It's you. You're not... sufficiently... alive."

I have been almost indescribably busy with work and other non-bloggy things. But this was simply too delicious not to put here:

Living Ohio man Donald Miller ruled 'legally dead'.

Thanks for the link, Patrick Stokes. 

Emergency Priest.

Because what have emergency workers ever done that's any good, really?

With the help of a ridiculously lame and credulous piece of sensationalist non-journalism on the Ninemsn site, I'm about to let you in on a secret. 

Big Ambo is lying to you.

That's right. For all these years, taxpayer-funded emergency services have been leading you up the garden path, putting their staff through so-called "training" and "re-certification" and "trauma counselling" and other thinly-veiled scams. You don't need these alleged "expert" "professionals". When you get hit by a car, or a tree falls on you, or your hand gets caught in a lathe, or someone stabs a hole in your lung with a kitchen knife, or a blood clot causes a little bit of your heart or brain tissue to die, these "paramedics" will only pretend to help, without actually doing anything useful at all. 

According to the article (written by Sophie Cousins and approved by editor Matthew Henry, who should be so proud of earning money for fashioning a turd into a string of words), the people who really help save people's lives when they are critically injured are Magic Unimposing Praying Angel Priests!

So here's my message to you, you heartless, useless, scamming paramedic bastards:

Forget protocols and procedures,

And your training in primary care.

If I’m ever struck

By a fast-moving truck,

For God’s sake, just leave me right there.

I won’t need IV morphine or spine boards,

Put your jaws-of-life neatly away.

Go and make yourself tea

And forget about me –

‘Cause somebody will turn up and pray.

Yes, the power of prayer is amazing!

It can fuse a cracked femur or jaw.

Prayer is all that I need

When my lungs start to bleed

And my head trauma gets a bit sore.

I’ll just wait for a man in a cassock;

By the time I pass out, he’ll be here.

He’ll use mumblings divine

To make everything fine

And then virtuously disappear.

Naming Words.

Because One Nation am heaps good knowledging.

Queensland One Nation party candidate Stephanie Banister is doing a wonderful job upholding the party's platform. That is, not liking those icky brownish araby-type people who come here and force hardworking 'Strayans to spread Halal terrorism on their toast. That's pretty much it, from what I can tell. Because if you've already decided you hate immigrants from a certain part of the world, what's the point of learning things that might change your opinion? That's the kind of namby-pamby stuff we expect from foreigners.

Seven News recently interviewed Banister, and the results were half-frightening, half-wildly-entertaining. You can watch the story here. If you can't be bothered, please do enjoy these highlights:

"I don't oppose Islam as a country, um, but I do feel that their laws should not be welcome here in Australia."

"Jews aren't under Haram (sic), they have their own religion, which um, follows Jesus Christ."

"I believe that the disability scheme [due to be launched in Queensland in 2016] is working at the moment."

I'm so proud of Ms Banister's bravery, putting herself and her seemingly boundless lack of knowing anything in front of a camera for the whole country to see, that I simply had to write her a poem. This one's for you, Steph.

I’d like to go to Islam on a summer holiday,

With a stopover at Neo-Communism on the way.

Or perhaps a trip to Apathy – I hear it’s lovely there;

They have day trips to Engrossment for a discount family fare.

I would love to see Compassion from the top of Mount Ennui

Or the grassy plains of Shinto, or the lakes near Symmetry.

I could stand astride the border between Butter Knife and Spoon

Or recline in Backstrap’s poppy-fields and gaze up at the moon.

How I long to visit Irony, where wild Misnomers roam!

But I think I’ll stay here, cloistered in the Ignorance of home.

The ideology of kittens.

Because carnivores are actually a thing.

A quick rhyme today, based on this story about some well-meaning but idiotically over-zealous pet-owners who tried to raise a kitten on a vegan diet, with predictable results. Or as I like to call it: Cats go "purrrrr", humans go "hurrrrr durrrrr". 

I mean, it's all well and good to go with the 'Meat is Murder' thing, but in case you haven't noticed, dear misguided kitten-lovers, cats love murdering things. 

You can’t make your kitten a vegan,

She’ll end up nearly dead at the vet’s.

And if meat’s off your plate

‘Cause it’s cruelty you hate,

Why the hell are you starving your pets?

See ya later, holy pater!

Because the Pope's had a gutful.

He won’t be waving weakly in a silly pointy hat;

His tootsies won’t be kissed by priests – he’s had enough of that.

He won’t be at his window in a fancy, sparkly chair;

At dinner time, it’s someone else’s turn for the Lord’s Prayer;

He won’t be passing laws regarding rubber prophylactics,

He won’t be hiding rapists using lame religious tactics,

He won’t be fleecing millions from the gullible devout;

I hope the Holy Door hits papal arse on his way out.

The Applicant

Because religious bigotry is legal.

I’ve been looking through your resume, Miss Collins - I must say,
You’re by far the finest applicant we’ve seen.
You’re experienced, accomplished and adept in every way,
And your background check came back especially clean.
I’m impressed by your credentials, and the knowledge that they bring,
I can say the same for all the skills you’ve mastered.
I’d employ you in an instant, but for one wee little thing:
You’re unmarried, and your son was born a bastard.

Australia's anti-discrimination laws exist so that you, I and everyone else can have a fair crack at getting a job for which we're qualified. They generally state that certain things cannot provide the basis for whether an employer offers you a job or not. Things like gender, beliefs, race, marital status or disability. For example, if you're a single, gay Lithuanian Muslim with an amputated arm and you apply for a job as an accountant, your potential employer is legally obliged to give you the same consideration for the job as they do for a divorced, straight, Scottish atheist with a third nipple. 

Except if the employer is a religious organisation. Then the government thinks it's special. 

Did you know that in Australia, religious organisations are legally allowed to refuse employment to unmarried parents, non-heterosexual people, people of a different religion or no religion, and people who have had extra-marital affairs? 

Exemptions to Equal Opportunity Employment for religious organisations exist in order to protect their so-called "freedom of religion". The rationale is that, because the religion under which some schools, hospitals and nursing homes operate are traditionally bigoted, homophobic, antiquated and unrealistic, that they should be able to reflect those attributes in their employment practices. 

It doesn't matter that those employment practices conflict with the Human Rights standards that Australia has adopted for employees in other parts of society. Religious organisations are special, and the Australian Government sees fit to write their special status into law. 

In a nutshell, that law says: 

Thou shalt not discriminate on the basis of religion, unless of course you ARE a religion, in which case, GO NUTS. 

Go read David Marr's rightfully cranky piece about this, from today's Sydney Morning Herald. 

Nominal.

Because the Australian Vaccination Network is anti-vaccine.

Once upon a time, I was looking for information about travel vaccines, and I came across an organisation called the Australian Vaccination Network. "That sounds like the kind of organisation that could provide me with the information I need to protect myself from horrible deadly diseases!" I thought. 

I was wrong. Like hundreds of other people, the name Australian Vaccination Network fooled me into believing that this organisation was a reputable source of evidence-based information about vaccination. Fooled me. Deceived me. Misled me.

Yesterday a good thing happened. The AVN received an order from NSW Fair Trading to change their name, or face the prospect of being deregistered. The reason behind the order? A complaint had been filed with Fair Trading about the organisation's name being misleading, considering they are, by any stretch of the most feeble imagination, unscientific and anti-vaccine. 

Read about it here.

The AVN's leader, Meryl Dorey, responded with a blog post including her usual whiny cavalcade of conspiracy-laden hogwash. By far the most entertaining part was her suggestion that, not only was the AVN's name not misleading, but that other organisations were worse!

"After all," she huffed, "Greenpeace is not green, nor do they go around looking for peace, therefore, would the Department tell them to change their name too? How about the Cancer Council? Couldn’t someone be misled into thinking that they are FOR cancer?"

Ms Dorey seems to believe that, unless she calls her organisation "A Couple Of Blokes Who Have Nothing At All To Do With Vaccination And Are Giving Away Buckets Of Orgasms", everything is just fine.

Well this is what I say to that:

Does the Cancer Council make a range of large malignant tumours?

And is Greenpeace green? And does it sell calm feelings to consumers?

Is the Black Dog Institute where all the dusky Kelpies go?

Does the Royal Blind Society poke monarchs’ eyes out? No.

Does the Lyme Disease Association laud the deer tick’s merits?

And is Animals Australia run by bureaucratic ferrets?

Is the Red Cross really cross? And do Weight Watchers stare at fat?

Does the Smith Family shun Joneses? Only morons would think that.

An “Australian Vaccination Network”, surely, is expected;

To know something of the way that our community’s protected;

By the action of a vaccine on the body of a child;

And the way a study’s done, and how the data are compiled;

And the difference between “bulldust” and “important information”;

And the laws for trading fairly, and for fund administration;

And the fundamental chemistry related to each shot;

And be honest, fair and helpful. Yet the AVN is not.

Confessional

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The Gift

Because women and babies deserve better.

In the US, Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock made some now-infamous comments this week, which speak volumes about his (and presumably his party's) attitude towards women (or, so the far-right Christian dinosaurs amongst you can understand me: "incubators who iron").

I couldn't let this one slip by.

O thank you God for giving me this very precious gift;

For bestowing your good grace within my womb.

Every time I sense its growing form, its tiny body shift,

I can feel the love of Jesus newly bloom.

I know not why I was chosen for this most momentous task;

Why you set this path for me to bravely tread.

With my head awash with wonder, I must very humbly ask:

Why me, Lord? Why not another lamb instead?

Why not Ashraf and Letitia, now on fourth-round IVF?

Why not Helen, with her history of miscarriage?

Why not Kate, whose first was unresponsive and profoundly deaf?

Why not Anh, whose childlessness affects her marriage?

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, please forgive my reckless gall;

I know not how your grand plan for me is shaped.

But I wonder, Lord, since you control what happens to us all;

Why you didn’t intervene when I was raped?

How to learn the radios

Because sometimes smart people are listening.

This week it was revealed that vexatious vomitron Alan Jones and his talkback team at 2GB have been directed to attend training in factual accuracy and other basic journalistic concepts, in an effort to improve the way that Jones' show, and 2GB broadcasters overall, blurt out whatever uneducated drivel happens to pop into their cretaceous-era heads present their content.

Will it work? Time will tell. Shall I write a poem about it? Already did.

Heigh-ho! We’re off journalist school, it’s sure to be loads of fun!

We’ll learn about tact, and checking each fact,

And how diligence is done.

What larks! We’ll grasp the digital realm, beyond talkback radio;

We’ll learn that there’s more than flapping one’s jaw;

To airing a breakfast show.

Huzzah! We’re going to learn how the facebook works, and the twitters too;

And how to download our industry code,

And actually read it through.

And lo! We might discover that women can make a valid point!

They might have degrees! And some expertise!

They might not destroy the joint!

At last! When that certificate’s earned and hung on the office wall,

Our plump millionaire will jump back on air,

And nothing will change at all.

Dear Ms Gillard

Because it's not really her best move, is it?

News came out today that our esteemed Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, will be the keynote speaker at this year's Australian Christian Lobby National Conference. Her smiling face shines out from the promotional photo of one of Australia's most backward, hateful and irrelevant lobby groups as if it's a pleasure to be in the same room as people who want bigotry, abstinence and religious discrimination made law. Given that my hope of her simply stepping up onto a lectern and shouting "SORT YOURSELVES OUT, GODDIES!" is likely to be unfulfilled, I've taken the trouble to write Julia's speech for her. For free. You're welcome, Prime Minister. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, 

What an honour it is to be speaking to you here today. As I look out into the sea of wholesome, white faces I would like to pretend for as long as possible that simply by being here I don't publicly support your plans for a fundamentalist Christian nation of married families working together to eradicate the scourge of abortion, homosexuality and the rights of the terminally ill.

In my very demanding role as the Prime Minister of this country, I am aware that I have a major responsibility to manage the war of words that surrounds so many of the important issues we face today. Words are so important to our everyday lives. They give meaning to the things we believe in and value; they give working families a voice; and they make it easy for the media to explain things to people about things.

But some of these words are, regrettably, being misused by those who seek to bring down this great nation; to sully its reputation and to prevent Australia from reaching its true potential as a stalwart defender of the white bread way of life. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss some of these words with you today.

Atheist.

An ‘atheist’ in a political sense, is a woman or man who has recently been thrust into a position of public power who attempts a last-ditch effort to identify with the leftish proportion of her constituency and to distance herself from her predecessor, before pandering to the Christian Right as much as any of those laser-eyed Liberals ever did. This word has been bandied about liberally by those who would have us believe that an ‘atheist’ is somebody who values human reason over supernatural fairy-stories and who has the courage and conviction to inject those values into Australia’s culture and policies.

Family

This word has become so common in the electioneering efforts of politicians of all shapes, sizes, colours and creeds that we’ve come to accept a ‘family’ as a caring and connected group of people who love and support each other, no matter what shape, size, colour or creed. But we as atheists-come-fundamentalist-Christians know that a ‘family’ is so much more than that. You have to work hard to be an Australian family. To work hard at your church marriage, at your full-term pregnancies to your marriage partner; at your heterosexuality; at your white skin and at your religious freedom to tell all other religions that they’re wrong.

Public Relations

You can’t become Prime Minister without knowing something about the way you present yourself to the rest of the world. That’s why, when I stand before you today, I know deep in my heart that I am making the best effort I can to be the Prime Minister all Australians want me to be. Because surely, standing on this stage in front of a minority Christian lobbyist group who would give their first born to have their bigoted Biblical views written into law; and having my smiling face on its website; is part-and-parcel of being an egalitarian, forward-thinking and intelligent representative of the people? It’s just one of the many speaking engagements I give my time and energy to. It doesn’t mean that I’m a marionette in the hands of a group of God-fearing, anachronistic bullies – it just appears that way.

Thank you, and God bless.

Important stuff

Because Australian public schools need to be fair and secular places.


Did you know that:

• The federal government wishes to weasel out of a recent decision by the High Court concerning funding for the National Schools Chaplaincy Program?;

• My friend and fantastic writer (who is responsible for several subjects on this blog) Chrys Stevenson has written a very important blog post here with a call to action?;

• Keeping our public schools constitutionally fair and equitable to people of all religions and no religion is very, very important to me?; and

• The administration and execution of the National Schools Chaplaincy Program has, to date, been anything but fair and equitable to people of all religions and no religion?

If this stuff is important to you too, please consider reading Chrys's post and popping off a quick message to Greens senators. I just did, and I feel fabulous.