If there's one thing that woo-meisters do well, it's coming up with flouncy words to push their piffle on the public. Today, I've tried to do my bit for the critical thinking community by providing simple translations of some of the more common claims. And I made them rhyme on the end. Because I like to.
“May assist in promotion of natural healing”
Means That’s the placebo effect you are feeling.
"The tone of your aura has got me intrigued"
Means My colour receptors are clearly fatigued.
“This technique was practised by shamans of yore”
Means Discoveries since I shall choose to ignore.
“The establishment wants to withhold this from you”
Means I’ve got no idea what establishments do.
“Removes harmful toxins and cleanses your body”
Means You do the same when you go to the potty.
“A phenomenon scientists cannot explain”
Means This unfounded claim’s justly viewed with disdain.
“This clinical serum will tauten your skin”
Means It’s sorbolene cream with some big words mixed in.
“I’m taking a great remote faith-healing class”
Means My credulous head's firmly wedged up my arse.