I have wanted to write a bit about the ridiculousness of the Bible’s contents for some time, but wasn’t sure if I was up to such a burdensome task. I was pleased to discover, however, just as St Paul muttered when he first decided to clean out his letter drawer and collate it all into a single volume, “This sh*t writes itself”. I tip my hat squarely at The Skeptic’s Annotated Bible, from which I got a great deal of information, motivation and lulziness.
Heigh ho! Let’s go a cherry-picking: pick, pick, pick;
We can’t do ALL the Bible says - the book is just too thick!
Instead we’ll pick and choose at will,
The stuff that we can follow still,
Like ‘love Him’ and ‘thou shalt not kill’.
Pick, pick pick.
Let’s cherry-pick Leviticus: pick, pick, pick.
There’s not much in this chapter we don’t want to give the flick.
The meaning’s all contextual,
But on this we’re consensual:
If you’re a homosexual,
You’re evil, wrong and sick.
Let’s pick through Deuteronomy: pick, pick, pick.
It says that Heaven’s closed unless your tackle’s in good nick.
Not welcome, in particular,
Are those with woes testicular,
Or bits cut perpendicular;
God likes a perfect dick.
Let’s cherry-pick through Jeremiah: pick, pick, pick.
Where God thinks talking tough and making threats will do the trick.
He mouths off to Judean kings,
‘bout slaughter, plagues and other things,
And eating kiddies’ chitterlings,
So love Him lots, and quick!
It’s Matthew’s turn for cherry-picking: pick, pick, pick.
When Jesus says “Ask and ye shall receive”, it’s pretty slick.
So when a desperate parent’s said,
“Please help!” next to their sick child’s bed,
And He’s sent brain tumours instead,
It doesn’t really click.
Let’s pick through 1 Corinthians: pick, pick, pick.
It offers good advice about what makes a woman tick.
She must subject herself to men
Keep covered by her hair, and when
In church, be always silent, then
She can’t give any stick.
Let’s cherry-pick 1 Timothy: pick, pick, pick.
It says that every creature’s good: each fluffy little chick,
Each cockroach in your bin at night,
Each darling little scabies mite
Each cuddly gastric parasite
Each paralysing tick.
Heigh ho! Let’s go a-cherry-picking: pick, pick, pick.
Perhaps, on close inspection, this old Bible’s not so schmick,
But as our faith in Him permits,
We’ll simply skip the icky bits,
And get on thinking people’s tits,
Pick, pick, pick.
The 'as-if-it-needs-to-be-said’ Disclaimer:
I don’t think gay people are bad. I don’t think people with no willy should be discriminated against. I don’t think people should be coerced into a certain belief by making them eat their children. I don’t think women should be treated as men’s inferiors.
The Bible says all that stuff.