Chuck.

Because immunology and back-spinning axe-kicks are pretty much the same.

It appears that everyone’s favourite hardcore martial arts hero, television star and conservative gun-toting young Earth creationist, Chuck Norris, doesn’t have enough to do. In a recent column in WorldNetDaily, he’s demonstrated his considerable expertise in the field of Expanding the Audience of Long-Dead Anti-Vaccine Canards by claiming that the link between vaccines and autism is alive and well. And if anyone’s excited by the idea of combining rhymes, anti-vaccine craziness and martial arts, it’s yours truly.

If you want a bearded hero
With a slick crime-fighting plan;
And you want to punch some bad guys,
Then Chuck Norris is your man.

He can give Bruce Lee a hiding,
He can kick above his head,
He can fight a bunch of terrorists
And make them fully dead.

Did you see him waste a drug lord,
And defend the written law?
Did you see his awesome chest hair?
Did you see his chiselled jaw?

If you want a hard-arsed sheriff,
To whom different rules apply;
If you want a hero’s hero,
Then Chuck Norris is your guy.

But if you want expert guidance,
Or advice on vaccination
Or some evidence regarding
Earth’s immaculate creation,

Don’t ask someone like Chuck Norris.
‘Cause he doesn’t know, of course.
He is Walker, Texas Ranger,
Not an information source.