The Recruitment Song

Because there's a job for every anachronistic old fool. 

Do you want to serve humanity but don’t know what to do?

Do you have a booming voice and an archaic point of view?

Do you love big books of fairy tales and tend to think they’re true?

Then come join the Catholic priesthood! We could use a man like you!

Yes, that’s right, a man! A proper one – the sort that wears a tie;

A committed, dapper, strapping, homophobic kind of guy.

Any candidates with skirts and boobs and wombs need not apply -

They should get back to the stove (or give the Anglicans a try).

The conditions are quite reasonable, though Sundays are a must.

We’ll provide all meals and board and someone in to clean and dust;

Any extras like gold jewellery will be gleefully discussed;

So come join the Catholic priesthood! Wear a frock and earn a crust!

Using guilt, you’ll fleece parishioners of amounts they can’t afford;

You’ll promote and foster theories that are seriously flawed;

Paedophilia and bigotry will largely be ignored;

But if you support abortion then that’s it – we’ll cut the cord.

Do you think that using condoms causes AIDS and that’s God’s way?

Do you think a wife whose husband forces sex on her should stay?

Do you think that having married thoughts can stop you being gay?

Then come join the Catholic priesthood! Be irrelevant today!