A Day in the Life of a Scrupulous Woo Pedlar

Because I'd rather sleep well than be rich.

From a fitful, restless slumber wracked with troubled dreams, I woke;

With my stomach grumbling loudly – I was hungry, I was broke.

When I looked into my larder

I found nothing. Bupkis. Nada.

My abysmal dearth of food and funds had gone beyond a joke.

Then a gleam from something shiny drew my succour-seeking gaze.

Could it be a tin of kidney beans? A jar of mayonnaise?

Fish with olive oil anointed?

I was quickly disappointed.

Just an empty jar left over from more lavish, food-filled days.

Then the realisation hit me - I began to understand;

I was holding the solution to my problem in my hand.

This was not an empty vessel!

Soon my mind began to wrestle

With the idea that my future lay within, and it was grand.

For this little jar of nothing, full of wonderment unseen

Was to make the kind of riches that could disconcert the Queen.

Though I couldn’t see or smell it,

I could bottle it and sell it!

It would be the greatest miracle that there had ever been.

I could see the sales pitch – “Scientists don’t want me to reveal;

How this quite amazing product helps the human body heal!

Ancient shamanists have known it

Since the dawn of time. Now own it

For a couple hundred bucks. We’re talking wellness. That’s a steal!

“But is it safe?” I hear you ask, “I’m sensitive, you see.”

Don’t you worry! It’s non-toxic, dolphin-safe and gluten-free!

There’s no mercury or dairy;

It’s all natural! There’s no scary

Added hormones, sugar, trans fat, BPA or MSG.

It can take away a migraine in a single day (or two);

It can help your body rid itself of chicken pox or ‘flu;

Using frequencies and quantum

(they’re quite complex, but you want ‘em!)

There’s no end to all the health-promoting things this stuff can do.

I don’t need a lot of evidence, ‘cause I can just surmise,

That without it, every single person suffocates and dies.

Sure, there’s stuff like “trials” and “testing”

But let’s focus on investing

In the health of every person, and how much each person buys.

Then I had to stop and check myself, and wonder: is this fair?

Is it right for me to make a profit selling people air?

Could I really justify it

Just ‘cause gormless fools would buy it?

Could I callously defraud them and pretend I didn’t care?

No. I couldn’t trade on stupid lies, deceit and baseless fear;

I could never be so heartless, mercenary and cavalier;

No. I’d rather forgo eating

Than get rich from tawdry cheating;

And that night I slept a dreamless sleep, my conscience crystal-clear.