The Ten Commandments

Because perfect scores are for nerds.

I don’t have any other gods (unless you count caffeine);

I haven’t worshipped idols since Matt Dillon at sixteen;

I sometimes shout out “Jesus!” when my hand’s stuck in a door;

I don’t forget the Sabbath, ‘cause the shops all shut at four;

My Mum and Dad are awesome, and I honour them with cake;

I’ve killed some bugs and spiders, (and a pet mouse by mistake);

I don’t commit adultery (but dream of Jason Bourne);

I stole a pint glass once in London, stumbling home at dawn;

I’ve never borne false witness, neither in nor out of court;

The things I covet most are of the chocolate-covered sort;

At following commandments, I don’t think I’ve done too well;

So pass the gin and grease a goat – I’ll see you all in hell.