How to be a Christian

He’s the champion of the poor, the lost, the meek and dispossessed;

He invites all creeds and colours to his parish to be blessed;

He believes in being human, and in peaceable protest;

He loves Jesus, and he calls himself a Christian.

They’re a loving, married couple with a huge and loyal flock;

Spreading news of God through microphones and family-friendly rock;

They already know the getting-into-heaven secret knock;

Praise the Lord! Ch-ching! They call each other Christian.

He attends the sick and needy, if he gets the flights for free;

He tells lies and sells his arse to gain election victory;

He’ll support a wealthy mogul, but turn back a refugee;

He’s not quite a priest, but calls himself a Christian.

He’s ensconced within the Vatican, with wine and jewels and prayer;

He condones the rape of children by the men charged with their care;

He’ll protect the church’s name, but not those families in despair;

He’s a cardinal, and calls himself a Christian.

Now, I’ve read the Holy Bible, but I’m still a bit confused;

About what a “Christian” says and does, and how the word is used;

Which behaviour’s unforgivable, and which can be excused?

By what standards can one call oneself a Christian?

When I look to Christian leaders, their example isn’t plain;

Some are good and meek and giving, some destructive, cruel and vain;

But there is a single common thread, a prevalent refrain:

Someone’s Christian if they call themselves a Christian.