Qualifications? Schmalifications!

Because there's no such thing as a Masters of Pretending to be Useful.

Would you want a clown to check your teeth? A vet to fix your car?
A rectal surgeon mixing cocktails at your favourite bar?
Would you fire your accountant and use tap dancers instead?
How about a chaplain messing ‘round inside your kiddie’s head?

Would you ask a mime to paint your house? A chef to groom your pet?
A famous escapologist to fly a jumbo jet?
Would you ask a Weimaraner for directions to the station?
Or a farmer’s wife and mother for advice on vaccination?

Would you trust a pimp to cut your hair? A nun to make your tea?
A prima ballerina to re-format your CV?
Would you trust your local chippie to negotiate world peace?
Or a self-proclaimed clairvoyant to advise the state police?

When a child needs trauma counselling, he doesn’t need a priest.
See a doctor for good health advice, or clinic nurse at least.
Even dogs help murder cases more than useless psychic woo,
So if you need help, choose somebody who's got a frikkin’ clue.