The Pseudo-Scientist's Song

Oh, I am a pseudo-scientist and this is what I do:

I use big words and awesome-sounding claims to peddle woo;

I tout expired canards and convince you that they’re new;

And when I’m asked for evidence I sue, sue, sue.

I haven’t got a recognised or relevant degree;

I’ve got a snazzy website though, with photographs of me.

I always wear a stethoscope when I go on TV;

I don’t know how it works, but it lends authenticity.

Oh, I am a pseudo-scientist and this is what I do:

My studies always prove that my hypothesis is true;

I scoff at reasoned counter-claims and other points of view;

And when my method’s scrutinised I sue, sue, sue.

I kidnap terms from science but I don’t know what they mean;

I’m like an automatic multi-syllable machine;

My quantum-laden wellness-centric piffle fills your screen;

It’s slightly less coherent than a torpid Charlie Sheen

Oh, I am a pseudo-scientist and this is what I do:

I mess with graphs until they show a predetermined skew;

I ask some friends for favours and I call it ‘peer review’;

And if a journalist finds out I sue, sue, sue.