10 December 2014

What not to do.

Because people really do these things. 

I am constantly astounded by the things some people are prepared to do in their search for enhanced wellness. I understand that pain, frustration, desperation and fear of death are pretty solid motivators to try some out-of-the-ordinary treatments, but surely even the strongest emotions can be subdued for the few seconds it takes someone to ask themselves, "Should I really stick this enormous needle in my cock?"

So here's my advice:

Don’t smear flesh-dissolving ointment on your cervix.
Don’t squirt warm, organic coffee up your arse.
Don’t treat pain by drinking widdle.
Don’t tie magnets ‘round your middle.
Don’t let someone bleed your scalp into a glass.

Don’t push someone else’s turd through your intestines.
Don’t stick burning bits of fabric in your ear.
Don’t drink bleach to make your tumour disappear.

Don’t inflate a small balloon inside your face-hole.
Don’t drink crushed, diluted bees to cure the ‘flu
Don’t quit food and drink for breathing
‘Cause they’re really rather stupid things to do.

Don’t seek medical advice by browsing YouTube.
Don’t believe what chefs and wellness gurus say.
Don’t think maybe you should try it
‘Cause a movie star stands by it.
If it seems a little dodgy, run away.