What not to do.

Because people really do these things. 

I am constantly astounded by the things some people are prepared to do in their search for enhanced wellness. I understand that pain, frustration, desperation and fear of death are pretty solid motivators to try some out-of-the-ordinary treatments, but surely even the strongest emotions can be subdued for the few seconds it takes someone to ask themselves, "Should I really stick this enormous needle in my cock?"

So here's my advice:

Don’t smear flesh-dissolving ointment on your cervix.

Don’t squirt warm, organic coffee up your arse.

Don’t treat pain by drinking widdle.

Don’t tie magnets ‘round your middle.

Don’t let someone bleed your scalp into a glass.

Don’t push someone else’s turd through your intestines.

Don’t stick burning bits of fabric in your ear.

Don’t scull silver for infection.

Don’t inject your own erection.

Don’t drink bleach to make your tumour disappear.

Don’t inflate a small balloon inside your face-hole.

Don’t drink crushed, diluted bees to cure the ‘flu

Don’t use beads to help with teething.

Don’t quit food and drink for breathing

‘Cause they’re really rather stupid things to do.

Don’t seek medical advice by browsing YouTube.

Don’t believe what chefs and wellness gurus say.

Don’t think maybe you should try it

‘Cause a movie star stands by it.

If it seems a little dodgy, run away.

Fair.

Because when you dilute logic, it becomes bollocks.

Something very simple and straightforward has been happening over the last few months. So simple and straightforward that I can sum it up in a numbered list like this:

1. Homeopathy Plus! claimed on its website that homeopathy was an appropriate preventative measure and treatment for Whooping Cough, and preferable to the Whooping Cough vaccine;
2. Nobody in the history of everything has ever proven that homeopathy has prevented or successfully treated Whooping Cough, a highly contagious disease currently circulating and killing babies in Australia;
3. The Whooping Cough vaccine, whilst not perfect, has been shown to be much more effective at preventing Whooping Cough than not having the vaccine;
4. Somebody complained to the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission about Homeopathy Plus!'s claims, because they sounded a little bit like "misleading claims", or as I like to call them, "big fibs";
5. Homeopathy Plus! is currently facing Federal Court over its claims. 

So, company tells fibs. Company gets called out on fibs. Company goes to court. Shelley makes popcorn. Simple, right? 

Not according to Homeopathy Plus! and my old favourite harpies of hand-flapping, the Australian (Anti-)Vaccination Network. 

According to Fran Sheffield of Homeopathy Plus!, this chain of events steals away people's "right to freely access alternative health information".

According to the AVN, 

"the ACCC appears to be openly saying that Australians are not allowed to dissent from accepted opinion" 

...and the situation is:

"outrageous and not what we expect from a democracy such as Australia."

So on one hand, there are laws about how companies are allowed to promote their goods and services, and breaking those laws can result in penalties and punishment. On the other hand, some people don't like obeying the law and think they should be able to say whatever they believe to be true without any consequences whatsoever (or as I like to call it: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!").

In other words:

It’s not about liberty, rights or democracy,

Power or hatred or pointless bureaucracy,

No-one’s “attacking” your business or you;

You’re merely expected to stick to what’s true.

Although you spruik freely your tonics traditional,

Freedom to do so is not unconditional;

Anyone listening is equally free,

To call out your bullshit legitimately.

So go right ahead and sell potentised fallacies,

Tout anecdotes as objective analyses,

State your opinions as though they were facts,

And contravene various government acts.

But don’t think your self-stated superiority

Makes you immune to a proper authority.

If what you’re doing is breaking the law,

You’re going to get busted, ‘cause that’s what it’s for.

Homeopathy plus what?

Because dodgy, without evidence to the contrary, is dodgy.

There’s a business in my neck of the woods called Homeopathy Plus! run by Fran Sheffield, a long-time devotee and sometime spokesperson for homeopathy, or as I like to think of it, the centuries-old art of flogging questionable remedies for nebulous and subjective concerns.


Homeopathy Plus! was found in breach of the Therapeutic Goods Advertising Code in 2011 for claims made on its website about the effectiveness of so-called ‘homeoprophylaxis’ as an alternative to proper, tested, scientifically plausible vaccines. The TGA ordered Homeopathy Plus! to publish a retraction on their website, which the company promptly ignored before continuing to sell vibrated water as an impossible remedy for deadly diseases.

This situation, to me, epitomises the of attitude of so many complementary and alternative practitioners - that what they do and sell is far more important that whatever “science” has “proven”; or what the TGA considers "unlawful"; or what the ACCC considers “misleading”; or what the Advertising Standards Board considers "deceptive".

Now I have a particular question for Homeopathy Plus! regarding their business name.  I need to ask, plus what? Homeopathy is nothing more than plain water that’s been through a complex process of imaginary magicking and potentisation and behaves precisely the way any other, less expensive placebo behaves. In essence, Homeopathy is nothing. Presumably, Homeopathy Plus! sells more than nothing, or else they’d simply be charlatans and rip-off merchants. I suspect that the clue lies in the “Plus!” part of the moniker. So I’m really curious – what does Homeopathy Plus! sell besides nothing?

Plus what? Pray tell Ms Sheffield,

Homeopathy plus what?

Homeopathy plus everything that medicine is not?

Homeopathy plus praying?

Homeopathy plus lies?

Plus a principle to which no law of chemistry applies?

Homeopathy plus water?

Homeopathy plus air?

Homeopathy plus molecules of stuff that isn’t there?

Homeopathy plus smiling?

Plus a nice pat on the head?

Plus rejecting proper science ‘til your patient’s nearly dead?

Homeopathy plus sugar?

Homeopathy plus fraud?

Homeopathy plus bottles whacked against a leathered board?

Surely “Plus” applies to something

In your little online shop.

Otherwise you’re simply dodgy, and it’s time for you to stop.

Picking Things to Bits - A Homeopathy Tutorial

 Because people really do believe this stuff.

Today I thought I'd choose a page from the famous Homeopathy Plus! website for the 'Picking Things to Bits' treatment. Chosen not-really-randomly from a series of so-called 'tutorials' about homeopathy and homeopaths, What To Expect (Part A) attempts to offer the gormless reader a convincing guide to experiencing homeopathic remedies. 

The original tutorial can be found here. My interpretation follows.

Tutorial 15 – What to Expect (Part A)

 "Different people have different experiences following their first homeopathic treatment. For some, the results are dramatic and profound; for others, they seem mild and almost unnoticeable. Knowing why these differences occur and what they mean will help you get the best from your treatment."

(Homeopathy relies on the placebo effect to produce the desired results, and the strength of the placebo effect depends on the people involved, the circumstances under which the placebo is taken and many other variables. Being unaware of this really helps us, as homeopaths, convince you that it’s working.)

"Remember, homeopathic treatment is a shared responsibility – while you depend on your homeopath to make a good prescription and manage your case well, they depend on you to provide accurate information and note any changes that happen."

(If your homeopathic remedy works, it’s because of your awesome homeopath. If it doesn’t, it’s all your fault.)

"So, with that in mind, lets have a look at the process involved.

Once you have taken your first dose of a homeopathic remedy, one of the following seven things will happen"

(Once you’ve taken your first dose of a homeopathic remedy, we rely on your interpretation of the following events - which were going to happen next regardless. Here’s a list of possibilities, just to cover our arses.)

• "A curative response – your symptoms get better and go away."
  (This one’s our favourite. It makes us look awesome.)

•  "A similar aggravation – your symptoms first worsen and then improve."
  (Homeopathy does bugger all)

• "A dissimilar aggravation – new symptoms appear for a short time but your old ones stay the same."
  (Homeopathy does bugger all)

• "Accessory symptoms – your symptoms improve but in the process a new one appears for a short period."
  (Homeopathy does bugger all)

• "Return of old symptoms – your existing symptoms improve but in the process, old symptoms from the past return for a short period."
  (Homeopathy does bugger all)

• "A surrogate discharge or eruption appears for a short time."
  (Ew. Wipe it up, then go see a real doctor. Also: Homeopathy does bugger all.)

•  "Absolutely nothing happens."
  (Can you believe we actually admit this? Yet we don’t see how this instantly makes homeopathy look useless.)

"What do they mean? Plenty to a homeopath! Each response reveals whether or not the correct remedy has been prescribed and provides valuable information your homeopath will use to adjust your treatment and help return you to health."

(NONE OF THEM MEAN THAT HOMEOPATHY DOESN’T WORK. SHUT UP.)

"So, let’s look at each of these responses in greater detail.

1. A Curative Response – Your Symptoms Get Better and Go Away

What this means

The remedy was correct – it matched your symptoms and was the:

• Right strength (potency)
• Right amount (dose)
• Right number of repetitions (frequency)"

(Your homeopath serendipitously treated you immediately before your symptoms improved.)

"Explanation

This is the fantastic result that everyone wants and usually, this is what happens. For acute complaints such as cystitis or a gum abscess, it may occur quickly – sometimes with just one dose of one remedy. For chronic problems such as recurring tonsillitis or asthma since childhood, treatment will take a little longer. If a number of diseases or problems have built up over years, a series of remedies and potencies may be needed to unravel the mess."

(Yay! Phew! But just in case you’re not completely better yet, it’s your own fault for not using more homeopathy.)

"What to do next

Enjoy your improved health and live life well.

 2. A Similar Aggravation – Your Symptoms First Worsen and Then Improve.

What this means

The remedy was correct but too strong for your sensitivity; it intensified your symptoms before triggering a healing response."

(The homeopath didn’t get your treatment wrong. The homeopath got your treatment right too much.)

"Explanation

Even when the remedy is a good match for your symptoms it can temporarily intensify them if:

• The dose is too large,
• The potency incorrect, or
• It has been given too frequently

This similar (homeopathic) aggravation occurs as the overly strong effects of the remedy combine with your existing symptoms."

(We love pretending that homeopaths can give somebody too much of nothing. We also love pretending that any change in your symptoms means our Magic Nothing Water is working as it should.)

"Fortunately, similar aggravations are usually mild and short-lived, settling as the energetic nature of the remedy leaves your system. Your own vitality then rebounds against the disappearing remedy, triggering an improvement in health."

(You get better when the homeopathy goes away.)

"Similar aggravations confirm that the correct remedy was prescribed – your homeopath now has to fine-tune the next dose to better suit your sensitivity. On the rare occasion that an aggravation is prolonged, your homeopath may antidote it with another homeopathic remedy."

(If your stupid, stupid sensitivity made the homeopathy not work, your homeopath can fix it. With homeopathy.)

  

"What to do next

Notify your homeopath. They will most likely advise you to let the similar aggravation settle naturally so an improvement in your symptoms can follow. Future similar aggravations can be avoided by your homeopath adjusting the dose, potency, or number of repetitions of the remedy to suit your sensitivity."

(Notify your homeopath. Try not to use the terms “the homeopathy didn’t work”, “I think this whole homeopathy thing is a crock” or “Give me my money back, you frikkin’ scammer.")

3. A Dissimilar Aggravation – New Symptoms Appear For a Short Time but Your Old Ones Stay the Same.

What this means

The remedy was incorrect; it did not match your symptoms but you were sensitive enough to feel some of the different symptoms it can produce."

(In real medicine, these would be called ‘side effects’. But because homeopathy is just overpriced sugar and water, these symptoms are known as ‘illness.’)

"Explanation

When an incorrect remedy has been prescribed (one that poorly matches your symptoms) you may experience a dissimilar or unhomeopathic aggravation, especially if you are sensitive to the remedy. The remedy will have produced some of its own symptoms in you in the same way it can during a proving (see tutorial 6 on Provings for more information). As these symptoms are different to your original symptoms, it is called a dissimilar rather than a similar aggravation (see tutorial 1 on the Law of Similars for further explanation). Because of the lack of similarity between symptoms, this remedy will not help you.

Fortunately, like similar aggravations, dissimilar aggravations are usually mild and short-lived. They settle as soon as the energetic nature of the remedy leaves your system. Unfortunately, they do not trigger a self-healing rebound effect. Your homeopath will have to prescribe a different remedy that is a closer match to your symptoms. On the rare occasion that a dissimilar aggravation is prolonged, your homeopath can antidote it homeopathically."

(Hopefully this all sounds so complicated that you just nod your head and say ‘whatever!’ and let us sell you some more of the same water in a vial with a different label on it.)

"What to do

Notify your homeopath. They will retake your case so that a remedy that better matches your symptoms can be prescribed. Your homeopath will be particularly interested in the symptoms you experienced during the dissimilar aggravation, as these can help guide future treatment."

(Notify your homeopath. Your homeopath will be particularly pleased that you’ve presented him/her with a bonus opportunity to flog you some more enchanted woo-tonic.)

"In Conclusion – A Word About Aggravations

Aggravations, while not a necessary part of homeopathic treatment, are sometimes unavoidable."

(Homeopathy does bugger all.)

"Aggravations occur when a person is either very sensitive to a remedy, or when a poorly skilled prescriber has given a remedy it in too large or too frequent a dose."

(If your remedy doesn’t work, it’s either your fault or that of a shonky homeopath who isn’t the author of this tutorial.)

"For this reason, better practitioners always give test doses at the beginning of treatment to check the person’s sensitivity. They will also prescribe the remedy as a liquid rather than in pills so it can be easily diluted if a gentler dose is needed."

(It’s much less hassle for us to fill some tiny glass jars with tap water than it is to source colourless hundreds-and-thousands from a confectionery wholesaler.)

"When aggravations occur, they are usually short-lived, mild, and an interesting phenomenon to experience. Their one benefit is that they act as a challenge to the person’s vitality and so can strengthen resilience."

(Just because you’re still sick doesn’t mean that homeopathy doesn’t work. It means you’re special. And it’s definitely your fault.)

"Next tutorial we will learn what it means and what to do when either:

• Your existing symptoms improve but new ones appear for a short period.
• Your existing symptoms improve but old symptoms from the past return for a short period.
• A surrogate discharge or eruption appears.
• Absolutely nothing happens."

(I won’t go into it now, but it’s more of the same. In summary:

• If you get better, that’s the homeopathy working.
• If you don’t get better, that’s the homeopathy working.
• To whom shall I make out the invoice?)

Doctor What?

Because sometimes they is, and sometimes they ain't.

There are Doctors of Philosophy, who’ve earned their PhDs;
There are those who work in medicine, with medical degrees;
There are those who treat bad teeth, bent minds and lame, asthmatic horses;
There are those who filled in forms online for correspondence courses.

There is Doctor Nancy Malik and there’s Doctor Nimrod Weiner;
Then there’s Doctor Charlene Werner with her jovial demeanour;
There is Doctor Vicki Monroe, who can talk to wayward spirits;
And there’s Doctor Sherri Tenpenny, from whom I get the irrits.

Doctor Who, at least, has got a solid grasp of basic science;
And Doctor Faust was smart, despite his sinister alliance;
There was method to the evil plots of Doctor Fu Manchu;
And the bumbling but well-meaning Doctor Bunsen Honeydew.

Doctor Jekyll was quite clever, though his Mr Hyde was shocking;
And that Doctor Frank-N-Furter wore a fetching fishnet stocking;
Doctor Zaius had a brilliant mind AND thumbs upon his feet;
And few ills could not be soothed by Doc-Doc-Doc-Doc-Doctor Beat.

Doctor Feelgood made Aretha wail in special lady ways;
Doctor Dolittle could talk with hawks and chat with cats for days;
Doctor Strangelove could control a bomb, but not his maverick arm;
Doctor Evil was a modern Doctor No, without the charm.

With so many so-called doctors, maybe something needs explaining;
Which are worthwhile? Which are evil? Which are merely entertaining?
Any fool can pop some letters on the edges of their name;
So be wary of the difference: quacks and surgeons ain’t the same.

Now, a rose by any other name is still a lovely sight;
And if you call a spade a spade when it’s a shovel, that’s not right;
Elton John is just plain ‘Reginald’ when all is said and done;
And if you call yourself a Doctor, then that doesn’t make you one.


Hat tips: Bastard Sheep, Reasonable Hank and Carol C.

Headache.

Because of earworms and Sean.

Yesterday, two things happened serendebipbipitously:
1. I had this Warner Bros clip playing in my head; and
2. My cyber-mate Sean mentioned that he had a headache.

I'll spare you the convoluted mental contortions that followed, and simply share the result:

My head has a terrible ache (it’s true);
There must be something I can take (or do);
A poultice or balsam or tonic that’s wholesome;
To give my poor temples a break (boo hoo).

Perhaps I’ll acquire some peace (somehow);
Through craniosacral release (what now?);
A magical curer could massage my dura;
And make throbbing areas cease (my brow).

My energy’s starting to wane (my chi);
Could this be the cause of my pain? (maybe);
If so, acupuncture might help at this juncture
It’s starting to mess with my brain (crazy).

Although all its claims are pretext (what rot);
I’ll try homeopathy next (or not);
I’m not a supporter of overpriced water,
But this ceaseless pain has me vexed (a lot).

This magnet I’ve got ‘round my wrist (my right);
Is able, I’m told, to assist (it might)
It’s in the duality of the polarity;
Now though, my symptoms persist (they bite).

The aching is here with me still, (drags on);
I might try this little white pill (anon);
It’s thoroughly tested and quickly digested;
Will it make me better? It will! (pain gone).

Song for Nancy

Because she takes the trouble to let me know her thoughts.

She flits around the internet, with vengeance in her head;
Waiting patiently to pounce upon a blogger’s comment thread.
All one needs to do to tempt her from her unenlightened cave,
Is to mention magic water and the lives it doesn’t save.
“Real is scientific homeopathy!” she strangely cries,
Sounding just a smidge like Yoda, only light years more unwise.
“It cures” she claims, and instantly I’m pretty sure she’s wrong,
Because the evidence supporting such a claim just isn’t strong.
Then she mentions “Allopathic Medicine” and I go “sigh!”
‘Cause a word invented just to scare real doctors doesn’t fly.
Evidence is briefly mentioned as a basis for her craft;
But any thinking person who has seen such “evidence” has laughed.
Then she claims this “nano-medicine” brings “big results” for all;
At which point I’ve spat my tea across her barely lucid scrawl.
She does more for her opponents’ cause than she could ever know;
So with ardour I anticipate her comments down below.

IMPORTANT TEN 23 UPDATE

Regarding today's 1023 Homeopathic overdose:

I'm still alive, and still awake. Tra-la-la-la-laaaaaaaaah!

Oh, and this, from the omnipresent and highly capable Richard Saunders.

Two Worlds (The Ten23 Poem)

Because of codswallop.

Next month, I'm going to attempt homeopathic suicide as part of the Ten23 campaign in Sydney. So just in case it works, I thought I'd leave a few words behind to commemorate the occasion. I'll be quite disappointed if it works, though. I've always wanted to see pigs fly.

Oh, the physical world is a wonderful place,
Which no sensible person ignores,
Where the wonders of nature and humans and space
Are translated through physical laws.

Where, for centuries, people have figured things through,
By applying the methods of science
And when older discoveries make way for new,
We all stand on the shoulders of giants.

We’ve progressed from bloodletting to chloroform masks
To the treatment of multiple cancers,
And through testing and trialling, most questions one asks
About health and disease now have answers.

It’s a world in which water, when put in a beaker
Of other stuff, makes it dilute,
And the other stuff consequently becomes weaker:
That’s reasonably hard to refute.

In this world, if you’re after a stronger solution,
It’s not really much of a chore.
Make the level of solvent involved Lilliputian;
By making the solute much more.

Now this water I speak of is H2 and O
That’s all that you need to get wet.
And if water can feel or remember or know,
Then nobody has proven it yet.


But there is another, less rational world,
Of conjecture and magical tricks,
Which a young Samuel Hahnemann boldly unfurled
In the year seventeen ninety-six.

On a whim, he decided that ‘like must cure like’
Because something he took for malaria,
Made him woozy and sick, and his temperature spike
(Though he did no research in this area).

In this world, homeopathy came and it stayed,
For two centuries it’s been between us.
In that time, the perceptible progress it’s made
Is akin to a honey bee’s penis.

In this upside-down world, taking poison’s okay,
As long as it’s made a bit wetter,
And diluted so much that it’s all gone away,
Because when it’s not there, it works better.

But this remedy can be made stronger, of course:
Wrap a plank in an old leather jacket,
And to unlock the remedy’s energy force
You just shake it around and you whack it.

Now this water forgets all the salt of the shore,
And the fluoride and sewage and bubbles,
And the sponges and pipes that it’s been through before,
But remembers to fix all your troubles.