When the campaign is Donne

Because halfway through an election campaign is as good a time as any to get metaphysical. 

When next the visage of the moon

Turns coyly from the Earth to wane

In Southern lands, a mournful tune

Plays soft to endeth this campaign

Two foes, hast did declare their troth

As means to quench a powr’ful thirst

One side intendeth jobs and growth

The other, putting people first.

What trigger’d such a grand event?

A solemn vow to disagree

‘Til twice-dissolved, our parliament

Restored not the ABCC

For fortnights twain a battle fought

Continued twenty-eight days more

We sit upon the rowboat’s thwart

With battens placed for what’s in store.

What promises are made thus far?

What quarter shall our champions give

To childcare, tax, the NBN

And gearing in the negative?

As rivals gloat and bluff and boast

It matters not what happens hence

The policies that matter most

Seem nothing much of consequence

Of marriage just, nor refugees

Spake neither glori’ed bureaucrat;

More time and swathes of journalese

Apportioned to a blessed rat.

The Twelve Days of Poxmas

Because we have a vaccine now. 

Some parents think holding "pox parties" to deliberately infect other people's kids with chicken pox - a usually mild but very uncomfortable disease with long-term complications - is preferable to having a quick jab. Perhaps they think the vaccine is more dangerous than the disease (it isn't). Perhaps they think it'll all be over in a week or so (it won't). Perhaps they think nobody ever dies from chicken pox (they do). Perhaps they don't think. 

Anyway, Pox Party Parents: this little festive jingle is for you and your poor kids. 

On the first day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

A flatlining E-C-G.

On the second day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the third day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the fourth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the fifth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the sixth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the seventh day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the eighth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the ninth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Nausea and shingles

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the tenth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Encephalitis

Nausea and shingles

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Bloodstained sheets from scratching

Encephalitis

Nausea and shingles

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my Mum’s friend gave to me,

Viral pneumonia

Bloodstained sheets from scratching

Encephalitis

Nausea and shingles

Febrile convulsions

Weeping pus-filled blisters

Bleeding disorders

Neur-al-gia

Permanent scars

Mouth ulcers

Sore, crusty eyes

And a flatlining E-C-G.

Good government starts today.

Because we need to start a conversation about "good" and "today".

On Monday 9 February, Prime Minister Tony Abbott faced the media after emerging mildly victorious from a spill motion and announced: 

"Good government starts today."

But, like with everything the Prime Minister says, there has been some confusion. Given that, during the six weeks since his claim he's sidelined indigenous Australians, patronised Irish Australians, attempted to destroy the reputation of the Australian Human Rights Commission, brushed off allegations of physical and sexual abuse in our offshore detention centres and eaten a raw onion as if it was a sane thing to do, I think we need a little clarification about what constitutes "good government" and "today".

I asked the Prime Minister to come up with his own explanation in no more than six rhyming quatrains, and he was remarkably obliging: 

Good government starts today. Hooray!

My standards won’t fall beneath

The era of steam or the Pot regime.

(But first let me clean my teeth.)

Good government starts at half-past nine!

I promise I’ll try to be

Much less of an arse to the working class.

(Once I’ve had this cup of tea.)

Good government starts right after lunch!

Our policies shan’t be feared.

I’ll do what I ought with the Moss report.

(As soon as the plates are cleared.)

Good government starts this afternoon!

I’m certainly going to do

A much better job for the native mob.

(Beginning at ten past two.)

Good government starts at dinner time!

I’ll show nothing but remorse

For all of the brawls and the captain’s calls.

(Right after the seventh course.)

Good government starts at beddy-byes!

There’ll be no more pain or sorrow.

That’s a firm guarantee from my team and me:

Good government starts tomorrow.

Lifestyle Choices

Because some choices are more difficult than "which tie will I wear today?"

It's becoming increasingly clear that the only way our Prime Minister Tony Abbott can avoid saying ridiculously ill-informed things is to shut his privileged gob altogether. The latest morsel of mindlessness he dumped on the Australian population he clearly loathes was this: 

"What we can't do is endlessly subsidise lifestyle choices if those lifestyle choices are not conducive to the kind of full participation in Australian society that everyone should have."

What does he mean by "lifestyle choices"? He's not talking about overseas holidays, wearing cycling gear to the office or buying a European town car. He's talking about infrastructure, support and schooling in remote indigenous communities. 

Sure, they're just words. And yes, it costs money to provide basic infrastructure to remote communities. And ok, life would be simpler if everyone just moved to the city and got a job. Whether you happen to think funding aboriginal communities is a waste of money or not, basing your argument on the premise of choice seems idiotic, even for a Prime Minister who has turned Being An Idiot into a form of public art. 

If you choose to have your parents send you off to private school,

And you choose to be born rich and white and straight;

If you choose to manufacture copper wire or fossil fuel,

Then we’ll spend our money on you, ‘cause you’re great.

But

If you choose to live in shelters, outback towns or on Nauru,

Or you choose to come by boat or break a bone;

If you choose to lose your grant and join the unemployment queue,

Then you’re going to have to make it on your own.

Sure

You use vouchers for your groceries and your clothes are second-hand,

And your bruises speak much louder than your voice,

And your lack of reading makes the dole forms hard to understand,

But our hands are tied – you’ve clearly made your choice.

  

Predictions

Because hurt feelings can't stop an epidemic.

Let's have a little look at how science works. 

1. Scientists observe something happening, and form a hypothesis about why. 

2. Scientists test the hypothesis by trying to make the same thing happen under controlled conditions.

3. If the same thing happens again and again and again while testing the hypothesis, scientists can make predictions about it happening in the future. 

4. If the predictions come true, the scientists are happy and the world has a tasty new morsel of knowledge. 

Now, let's apply this to something real, like, say.... a vaccine. 

1. Scientists observe that, when a high enough proportion of a population is vaccinated against measles, the disease virtually disappears from that population. Maybe the measles vaccine helps prevent measles?

2. Scientists test the hypothesis by measuring the incidence of measles in populations with a high percentage of vaccinated people compared to populations with a low percentage of vaccinated people.

3. Again and again, scientists find that, in highly vaccinated populations, measles outbreaks are small and rare, and in populations with low measles vaccination, lots of people get measles. They predict that in the future, when the percentage of vaccinated people drops below a certain amount, measles outbreaks will occur.

4. Late last year, a person infected with measles visited Disneyland in California - an area with a reasonably high proportion of vaccine refusers - and infected other people with measles. Quite soon after that, lots of people got the measles. 

Something else scientists could have predicted: The usual suspects of vaccine denialism began bending all the available information about the Disneyland outbreak to fit their pre-conceived idea that unvaccinated people have nothing to do with outbreaks of disease, and that relating an outbreak of disease to unvaccinated people is UNCOOL and HURTS PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. 

I totally understand that the feelings of people who go to great lengths to deny the effectiveness of vaccines might be hurting. And I totally don't give a rat's arse. If loads and loads and loads of studies have found that measles outbreaks occur more often in unvaccinated populations, and you continue to deny that the current US measles outbreak has anything to do with unvaccinated people, there's not much I can do to help you. If you're cranky because science disagrees with you, tough. If you're out of sorts because diseases don't comply to your special view of the world, too bad. If the well-supported theory of herd immunity gives you a frowny face, cry me a frikkin' river. 

But cheer up a little bit, because I wrote you a pome.

You can’t bring a cat to a dog fight

To watch it get mauled

And then act all appalled

At the dogs disobeying your rules.

You can’t throw a fridge down a staircase

And protest when it breaks

Because gravity makes

No exceptions for self-absorbed fools.

You can’t stick your hand in a blender

Then demand some redress

For the blood-spattered mess

‘Cause you liked how it was at the start.

You can’t help your kids catch the measles

By refusing a vax

In the face of all facts

But deny that you played any part.

When scientists make a prediction

Like the tides of the seas

Or the spread of disease

They’ve seen it again and again.

But your pox-ridden family is special!

And although their afflictions

Comply with predictions

YOU’RE RIGHT, and you’re going to complain.

What not to do.

Because people really do these things. 

I am constantly astounded by the things some people are prepared to do in their search for enhanced wellness. I understand that pain, frustration, desperation and fear of death are pretty solid motivators to try some out-of-the-ordinary treatments, but surely even the strongest emotions can be subdued for the few seconds it takes someone to ask themselves, "Should I really stick this enormous needle in my cock?"

So here's my advice:

Don’t smear flesh-dissolving ointment on your cervix.

Don’t squirt warm, organic coffee up your arse.

Don’t treat pain by drinking widdle.

Don’t tie magnets ‘round your middle.

Don’t let someone bleed your scalp into a glass.

Don’t push someone else’s turd through your intestines.

Don’t stick burning bits of fabric in your ear.

Don’t scull silver for infection.

Don’t inject your own erection.

Don’t drink bleach to make your tumour disappear.

Don’t inflate a small balloon inside your face-hole.

Don’t drink crushed, diluted bees to cure the ‘flu

Don’t use beads to help with teething.

Don’t quit food and drink for breathing

‘Cause they’re really rather stupid things to do.

Don’t seek medical advice by browsing YouTube.

Don’t believe what chefs and wellness gurus say.

Don’t think maybe you should try it

‘Cause a movie star stands by it.

If it seems a little dodgy, run away.

Christopher Pyne's Lament

Because the Good Old Days were so nice.

Federal Education Minister Christopher Pyne is upset. Our schools' curricula aren't doing their job. They're not currently teaching Australia's children The Things That Christopher Pyne Likes, which are (as he suggests in this interview) "history, literacy, numeracy, science", "Western civilisation" and "our Judeo-Christian heritage". Something MUST BE DONE.

Leaving aside the extreme wibbly-wobbliness of the not-quite-accurate "Judeo-Christian" claim (see the gaping holes in the term exposed by Tony Taylor here and by Chrys Stevenson here),  Mr Pyne wants to return to the Good Old Days, when children had phonics and times tables whacked into them with a cane, when nobody argued about what Australia Day means, and when multiculturalism was just a fancy way of saying "Look! There's spaghetti in the shops now!".

Maybe I'm not explaining what Christopher Pyne wants very well. Maybe Christopher Pyne needs to explain it himself, in rhyming couplets. Take it away, ChrisPy:

We must learn about Judeo-Christian conquerors and kings!

And Judeo-Christian history! And Judeo-Christian things!

And Judeo-Christian English! And Judeo-Christian science!

And Judeo-Christian punishment for wilful non-compliance!

Non-Judeo-Christian education simply shan’t be had.

It makes fine, upright, Judeo-Christian citizens look bad!

If a lesson fails to make Judeo-Christian people proud,

Then it’s simply (by Judeo-Christian standards) not allowed.

Any subjects that appease the God of Abraham are apt;

But the other, more barbaric ones should probably be scrapped.

Asian neighbours, the Indigenous and other foreign stuff

Are all well and good, but not Judeo-Christian-y enough.

Sure, for forty thousand years there’s been some people here, but look:

Nothing worthwhile really happened ‘til they met with Captain Cook.

Since that day, our nation’s greatness simply cannot be denied.

Our curriculum needs cleaning up, so here’s a simple guide:

If it’s nice and white and clean and mentions ANZAC Day, it’s IN.

If it dares to bad-mouth God or Jesus, CHUCK IT IN THE BIN!

If it’s yellow, brown or – worst of all – a shade of Green, NO WAY.

If it’s Western and it’s civilised and likes the Queen, then YAY!

Soon, Judeo-Christian schoolkids with Judeo-Christian knowledge,

Will bring shiny, Western thoughts to their Judeo-Christian college.

Their Judeo-Christian books will line Judeo-Christian shelves

While they frown upon those less Judeo-Christian than themselves.

Needle vs Haystack

Because one in a million isn't always good.

You went searching for a schism in the study of autism,

‘Cause you’re certain vaccines cause it, and that needs to be explored.

And for every tract or lecture in support of your conjecture,

You found many more against, which you summarily ignored.

All the scientists conforming to the norm of global warming

Are, in your opinion, wrong, or at the very least misled;

Since an expert crunched some figures, showing human-centric triggers

Are a load of crap, so never mind what other experts said.

You’ve heard claims that every fossil ever found makes a colossal

Case for evolution here on Earth, including humankind.

But you noticed an omission in the record of transition

From bacterium to human, so you’re sure we’ve been designed.

You could search the world all over for a tiny four-leaf clover;

Or a hidden ukulele in a pile of violins;

For a prickle in a thicket, or a lucky golden ticket,

Or a silver needle buried in a haystack full of pins.

You’ll find papers reinforcing the position you’re endorsing,

So hooray for you, you clever sausage! Everybody cheer!

But the confirmation bias of statistical outliers

Doesn’t make the weight of evidence against you disappear.

How to be a Christian

He’s the champion of the poor, the lost, the meek and dispossessed;

He invites all creeds and colours to his parish to be blessed;

He believes in being human, and in peaceable protest;

He loves Jesus, and he calls himself a Christian.

They’re a loving, married couple with a huge and loyal flock;

Spreading news of God through microphones and family-friendly rock;

They already know the getting-into-heaven secret knock;

Praise the Lord! Ch-ching! They call each other Christian.

He attends the sick and needy, if he gets the flights for free;

He tells lies and sells his arse to gain election victory;

He’ll support a wealthy mogul, but turn back a refugee;

He’s not quite a priest, but calls himself a Christian.

He’s ensconced within the Vatican, with wine and jewels and prayer;

He condones the rape of children by the men charged with their care;

He’ll protect the church’s name, but not those families in despair;

He’s a cardinal, and calls himself a Christian.

Now, I’ve read the Holy Bible, but I’m still a bit confused;

About what a “Christian” says and does, and how the word is used;

Which behaviour’s unforgivable, and which can be excused?

By what standards can one call oneself a Christian?

When I look to Christian leaders, their example isn’t plain;

Some are good and meek and giving, some destructive, cruel and vain;

But there is a single common thread, a prevalent refrain:

Someone’s Christian if they call themselves a Christian.

Erica Betz

Because 1950s babies are better than your babies.

Eric Abetz, Leader of the Government in the Senate, Minister for Employment and unabashed anti-abortionist, expressed his respect for studies "back from the 1950s" that support a link between breast cancer and abortion in a television interview last night.  The people on the internet went crazy, and this morning the Senator is on his back-pedal bike, claiming that he was cut off when he was about to say that the link isn't supported by current medical thinking.

Whatever, Eric. You're attending the World Congress of Families event in Melbourne this month because it has aims that you "broadly support". You've never been shy about your stance on abortion and so-called 'Family Values' which is the world's worst euphemism for "Ladies and Homos should do as they're told".

I can't speak for everyone, but I think you meant it.

Eric Abetz has no regrets.

He said what he meant to say.

A woman is best when stout of breast

And well in the family way.

He’s here to discuss your uterus -

It doesn’t belong to you;

Those studies begun since Menzies’ run

Are not worth a brass razoo.

Feminish

Because I honestly don't know.

Could it be I’m not a feminist? I’m never really sure.

I don’t think it means the thing I used to think it meant before.

And despite the helpful anecdotes and practical suggestions

From enthusiastic people on the web, I have some questions:

Can I shave my legs and armpits? Can I shop for sexy bras?

Can I ask for help with moving house and stubborn lids on jars?

Can I sneak a sidelong glance at well-formed bottoms at the gym?

Can I praise a man’s physique without objectifying him?

If I take my husband’s surname, have I finished being me?

If I earn more than my partner, is that inequality?

If I pole-dance in a bar, am I exploited or empowered?

If I don’t walk home at night-time, am I smart or just a coward?

Is it ok if I giggle when a sexist joke is funny?

Is it ok if I answer when a male friend calls me “honey”?

Is it ok to say “suffragist” instead of “suffragette”?

Is it ok if I don’t assume that every man’s a threat?

Should I ask the girl who risks her life by learning maths and reading?

Or the woman left to perish slowly, faceless, cut and bleeding?

Should I ask how FGM or acid-throwing victims feel

About whether it’s insulting when a man pays for a meal?

Disease, False Balance and Meryl Dorey - a Guide for Media

Because her opinion isn't news.

For the benefit of media who think it's worth consulting anti-vaccine lobbyists for "their side" when writing about the serious issue of immunisation, I'd like to suggest a few points, if I may:

1. Right now in Australia we're battling outbreaks of measles and whooping cough. 

2. Evidence has shown that creating false balance by providing anti-vaccine speakers (who have opinions based on opinions) a platform alongside medical experts (who have opinions based on evidence), makes people give more credence to the anti-vaccine view than if it was presented in isolation. 

3. As I see it, if you include an anti-vaccine lobbyist alongside an expert in a story about vaccination, you are hindering the success of public health initiatives and contributing to the spread of vaccine-preventable diseases.

4. This:

Who says epidemiologists know nothing of disease?

Who says having eyes to read stuff with trumps medical degrees?

Who says science texts are pharma’s agitprop depository?

Who says doctors murder babies? Yes, it’s (tut, sigh) Meryl Dorey.

Who says people who shake babies aren’t to blame for fractured ribs?

Who says Sudden Infant Death is just a garbage load of fibs?

Who says death from Whooping Cough is just some mother’s made-up story?

Who says measles is a gift? That’s right, it’s (head-desk) Meryl Dorey.

Who says AIDS might not be real because she’s not seen HIV?

Who says foetuses are sold and turned to vaccines secretly?

Who says polio’s still rife, but in a different category?

Who says vaccines cause autism? Same old (face palm) Meryl Dorey.

Who says Meryl Dorey’s incorrect? My state’s HCCC.

Who says Meryl’s claims are bulldust? People at the ABC.

Who says Meryl is misleading? Why, the Office of Fair Trading.

So don’t put her in your story, ‘less your story needs degrading.

How to Make a Baby

Because lady anatomy is hard.

Today, member of Victorian Parliament and self-appointed Minister For Pink Bits Geoff Shaw had something to say about abortion laws. Like so many other Proper Christian Men who are in charge of ladies' bodies, he took a very rational and scientific approach to the issue. To illustrate:

“Here in Australia we can’t kill snake eggs but we are quite happy to kill an egg in the tummy and it should be the safest place for a baby to be."

And so, to celebrate Shaw's impeccable grasp of the female anatomy and its role in reproduction, I give you this:

When a lady and a man who love each other very much,

Get together in a comfy place for love-cuddles and such,

All the dangly bits on one side get all hard and sort of uppy,

And the lady lies quite still, just like a well-trained little puppy.

Then the sticky-uppy sausage does an inny-outy dance

‘Til it spills some little fishies and goes back into its pants.

All the fishies have a swim (because they haven’t any legs)

Through the Cylinder of Mystery ‘til they reach the tummy eggs.

While the fishies and the tummy eggs all have a little chat,

POP! SHAZAM! A babby’s safe inside the lady, just like that.

Then the doctor takes the babby out with special babby-tweezers

And then everyone gives thanks to God and little baby Jesus.

Disappeared

Because it's not your money, Meryl.

I know, I know. I don't blog for ages and then KAPOW! Two posts about the Australian Vaccination Not-Really-Skeptics Network in a row!

In the latest installment of The Great AVN Unhinging of 2014, we find the NSW Minister for Fair Trading, Mr Stuart Ayres encouraging the public not to donate money to the organisation. On 18 March he tweeted:

"Aust Vaccination Skeptics Network no longer has charitable status
& I would encourage that you don't donate to this organisation."

This has not made the AVN happy. In an interview in the Guardian, President Greg Beattie stated:

“It’s not his place to say that. If he did make those statements then I question why he’s meddling in affairs that don’t involve his ministry.”

Likewise, Public Officer Meryl Dorey has been heard whining about how the government shouldn't be allowed to make such a recommendation, and they have no basis for doing so. Leaving aside the insinuation that only the AVN is allowed to have opinions about the AVN, let's look at the basis for Ayres' recommendation.

In all the time I've been following the AVN, I have not seen a single instance of them putting any money towards any cause that doesn't also benefit themselves. They've collected nearly 2 million dollars in donations during the last seven years, but there seems to be no evidence that any donations have gone towards a stated purpose. Yet their financial statements (which are summarised capably over at diluted thinking; and were described by a chartered accountant as "the worst set of financial statements I have ever seen") indicate some rather vague "expenses" such as $39,000.00 in one year on computers, even more on "web costs", plus all-purpose "other expenses" totaling $170,000.00 in 2010. There is no mention of any outgoing money to any charitable cause (thanks for the summary Dr Rachie).

So I will ask a simple question that has been asked of the AVN many, many times before:

WHERE DID THE DONATIONS GO?

Where did your members’ donations go?

What did you spend them on?

Your website design’s worth a buck ninety-nine

So where has the money gone?

Where’s the foundation for injured kids?

Where is the legal aid?

Were you never billed any time you fulfilled

All those promises that you made?

Surely there’s something you can share

That shows your philanthropy;

An invoice or docket that proves you don’t pocket

The money you get for free. 

Uncharitable

Because the AVN never wanted your stupid money anyway.

This has been an incredibly eventful couple of weeks for the Australian Anti-Vaccination Skeptics-for-a-given-value-of-Skeptics Network. You can read a recent summary of events over at Dr Rachie's place. 

The most delicious part of the whole name-changin', investigation-respondin', special-pleadin' shemozzle was an article in Australian Doctor which reported the AVN's surrender of their charity licence (administered by the Office of Liquor, Gaming and Racing or OLGR). 

Most sensible people look at an organisation which has recently had its finances called into question, is currently under investigation by the NSW Health Care Complaints Commission (PDF) and has recently surrendered the ownership of its Facebook page to an unnamed party, and conclude that they are trying to cover their tracks, distance themselves from their previous name and deeds, and gloss over the many extravagant and ill-defined "expenses" in their financial reports. No charity licence means less publicily transparent financial reporting requirements. 

But the AVN's version of events is, unsurprisingly, different. And totally not their fault. According to the Australian Doctor article, the organisation's permanently defensive president, Greg Beattie claimed: 

"The group had wanted to get rid of its charity licence for years, having spent countless hours and resources "jumping through hoops" to comply with the NSW Charitable Fundraising Act."We no longer see ourselves as a charitable organisation," Mr Beattie said. "We just don't fit into that mould.""

Oh, mercy. Also: 

"Mr Beattie said the only reason the AVN ever had charity status in the first place was that their "vague" goals had unwittingly drawn the attention of the NSW Office of Liquor, Gaming and Racing."Our objectives were so broad. They talked about educating the public and the betterment of humankind and all sort of grand ideals that [meant] we inadvertently fit the definition of a charitable organisation," Mr Beattie said."

So you see, it was all accidental. They didn't want to be in a position where they could fleece their hoodwinked followers out of wads of cash merely for the asking. It's all a big mistake - one they're thrilled to put behind them. 

Uh huh. 

This one's for you, Greggy. To show you I understand.

When we started, the things that we wanted to do

Were benevolent, pure of heart, lofty and true.

But soon we got lazy,

Our goals became hazy

And then, oopsy-daisy! Donations came through!

Donations were small and donations were big;

We took them for stuff and for thingummyjig,

For freedom and rights

And for fighting good fights

From the dizzying heights of this President’s gig.

The money rolled in and it made our purse swell;

But we suffered in this inconceivable hell,

Because people inspecting

Our books were expecting

Not only collecting, but giving as well!

But our power to help those in need would depend

Not on what we could give, but on what we could spend

On new iMacs and flying

And unbridled buying

And little-white-lying when budgets were penned.

But now it’s all over, and we can relax,

We no longer have OLGR on our backs.

All those strict regulations

Regarding donations,

Corrupt calculations and profits and tax!

We can get on with doing the things that we ought,

Like displaying our gift for irrational thought,

Celebrating the pox,

Making ill-knitted socks

And inhabiting docks in a criminal court.

Abbottry

Because I've learned so much.

What have I learned since the Abbott government came to power in September? Let's see...

Keeping trees locked up for selfish native wildlife isn’t right.
Locking people up in camps offshore is fine.

Schools’ curricula aren’t suitably supremacist or white.

Family planning should be led by the Divine.

If a substance is invisible, it can’t be bought or sold.

Men in naval uniforms are never wrong.

Current research into wind farms is erroneous and old.

Coral reefs have been alive for far too long.

Childcare workers aren’t worth paying – not like wealthy pregnant mums.

Cabinet ministers aren’t wimps or bleeding hearts.

Medicare is too expensive, and has complicated sums.

Sovereign borders aren’t too clearly marked on charts.

When a journo asks a question, give a slogan-spattered spiel.

Never comment on administrative matters.

Steer away from any facts that inadvertently reveal
That your last shred of humanity’s in tatters.

Wind

Because wind turbines cause complaints.

I was stopped by a short-beaked Echidna this morning;

He seemed rather strange in the head.

He offered a somewhat discomfiting warning:

“BEWARE THE WIND MONSTERS!” he said.

“They’re enormous and pale, and swing huge chopping blades,

While emitting a terrible sound.

Which, although you can’t hear it, covertly pervades

All the air and the sea and the ground.

“They spread terror and sickness and fierce discontent

Through low frequency rumblings and stealth.

And these things,” said my new friend, “might seem innocent,

But they’re terribly bad for your health.

“They make people grow old at a much faster rate,

Skin is wrinkled and dark hair turns grey.

They make some people fat, and still others lose weight;

In a strange and unnatural way.

“They disrupt people praying and upset the Chi,

There’s teeth-grinding and crying aplenty.

And the people who used to get up for a wee

Once or twice in the night, now need twenty.

“They bring hip pain and breast pain and general malaise,

And the growth of some organs is stunted.

They give people odd spasms that go on for days

So their townsfolk assume that they’re munted.

“They cause strange, shifting rashes and retching and sores

And a notable change in one’s faeces.

But it’s not only humans who suffer, because

The Wind Monsters aren’t fussed about species.

“All the bees and the worms and the crickets have gone

Sheep deformities seem to have spiked

All the livestock are jumpy, and won’t walk upon

Bits of grass that they once rather liked.

“Dogs eat pebbles and find they can’t jump anymore;

The lifecycle of crabs is left hanging;

Lungs explode inside bats; puppies piss on the floor;

And the peacocks and peahens aren’t banging.”

“Are we safe?” I inquired, “Should we hurry inside?”

I was then quite reluctant to stay.

“Well, I’d like to go home,” the small mammal replied,
“But I can’t seem to work out the way.”

Recently, I was lucky enough to attend a talk by Ketan Joshi, who knows an awful lot about renewable energy and its opponents. In this talk he mentioned the work of Professor Simon Chapman, who knows an awful lot about... well, as far as I can tell, everything. Professor Chapman has compiled this list (PDF) of health complaints associated with wind turbines, from a range of sources around the world. I was already interested (in a busy-working-mum sort of way) in the science and not-so-science of wind turbines, but when the phrase "echidnas losing their way" came up in Ketan's talk, I knew I had to rhyme about it. Every single condition mentioned in this pome has been reported by real people who attribute it to wind turbines.

Illustration by the bestest twin sister in the universe,  Jo Thornely. See more here.

Questions.

Because you're free to be a moron.

"WE'RE JUST ASKING QUESTIONS!!!!" is the familiar territory-marker of the anti-vaccine team. And asking questions is good. Asking questions is useful. But when those questions have been answered pretty convincingly by science and commonsense (For example "Do vaccines cause autism?"), asking them over and over and over again has little point, and is, frankly, irritating.

Many anti-vaccine campaigners like the ever-mouthy but increasingly unpopular Meryl Dorey cry about how their freedom is being quashed because their innocent questions are being ignored or covered up or marked as "dangerous to society". In fact, their questions are being ignored, because they're old and repetitive and nobody wants to answer them after already answering them so many times (incidentally, the answers to some of these old, repetitive, irritating questions are dealt with neatly here and here).

By contrast, there are some extremely sensible questions floating around on this topic, for example, "Why isn't there a poem about this?"

“We’re only asking questions!” says the anti-vaccine crowd,

“And to stop us doing that negates our freedom!”

In fact questions are essential and must always be allowed;

‘Cause as far as finding out stuff goes, we need ‘em.

Every person ever living, bent with age or quick with youth,

Has asked questions. Why? And where? And how? And what?

There’s no question that most questions bring us closer to the truth,

We’re much better off by asking them than not.

When a question has been answered, and the evidence is weighed,

We incorporate it into what we know.

Answered questions are the bedrock upon which more learning’s laid;

From whence ‘upward’ is the only way to go.

Sometimes answers are surprising, undesirable or weird,

Though the rationale behind them is quite strong.

Just because an answer’s something that you doubted, loathed or feared,

Then that doesn’t, in most cases, make it wrong.

If the questions you’re “just asking” have been answered oft before,

And supporting proof is plentiful and plain,

Then you still have every human right to ask them evermore;

But I’m free to think you’re stubborn and insane.

Glue.

Because we see things differently, and that's that.

When some people look at crop circles it’s absolutely clear

That they’re alien announcements in the grass.

Signs of sage, enlightened beings from an undiscovered sphere.

But to me, that’s just unmitigated arse.

When some people truly think that they can read another’s mind

And communicate with spirits they awaken.

They amaze themselves with all the psychic hits they seem to find,

But I notice all the times when they’re mistaken.

When some people see the footage of Neil Armstrong on the moon

They see someone acting out a complex fraud.

They claim lighting, sets and camera tricks, filmed earlier, in June

But I’ve seen it all debunked, and now I’m bored.

When some people listen closely and hear hoof-beats coming near

And think, “Wow! A herd of zebras! Awesomesauce!”

They prepare themselves for dazzling stripy mammals to appear,

But it is, as I expected, just a horse.

Why do some of us see magic while the rest of us see tricks?

Why do some prefer a hunch to actual data?

Why do people bother searching for ground water using sticks

When electroseismic methods are much smarter?

When a hard-core true believer has a notion in their mind

There’s no point providing rational relief.

‘Cause it seems the strongest substance ever known to humankind

Is the glue that holds together a belief.

Emergency Priest.

Because what have emergency workers ever done that's any good, really?

With the help of a ridiculously lame and credulous piece of sensationalist non-journalism on the Ninemsn site, I'm about to let you in on a secret. 

Big Ambo is lying to you.

That's right. For all these years, taxpayer-funded emergency services have been leading you up the garden path, putting their staff through so-called "training" and "re-certification" and "trauma counselling" and other thinly-veiled scams. You don't need these alleged "expert" "professionals". When you get hit by a car, or a tree falls on you, or your hand gets caught in a lathe, or someone stabs a hole in your lung with a kitchen knife, or a blood clot causes a little bit of your heart or brain tissue to die, these "paramedics" will only pretend to help, without actually doing anything useful at all. 

According to the article (written by Sophie Cousins and approved by editor Matthew Henry, who should be so proud of earning money for fashioning a turd into a string of words), the people who really help save people's lives when they are critically injured are Magic Unimposing Praying Angel Priests!

So here's my message to you, you heartless, useless, scamming paramedic bastards:

Forget protocols and procedures,

And your training in primary care.

If I’m ever struck

By a fast-moving truck,

For God’s sake, just leave me right there.

I won’t need IV morphine or spine boards,

Put your jaws-of-life neatly away.

Go and make yourself tea

And forget about me –

‘Cause somebody will turn up and pray.

Yes, the power of prayer is amazing!

It can fuse a cracked femur or jaw.

Prayer is all that I need

When my lungs start to bleed

And my head trauma gets a bit sore.

I’ll just wait for a man in a cassock;

By the time I pass out, he’ll be here.

He’ll use mumblings divine

To make everything fine

And then virtuously disappear.