Regrexit

Because hindsight, at today's exchange rate, is still 20/20

Whoops! I thought that we was voting summink different innit;

I didn’t know we’d really take the EU and, like, bin it.

For sure I thought the ‘Leave’ vote would add up to less than half;

I only voted ‘Leave’ ‘cause my mates dared me for a laugh.

That Nigel bloke said immigrants was stealin’ British jobs;

I didn’t know that Nigel is the king of racist nobs.

He said we’d save some money that could save the NHS;

There’s more to this than what he might’ve said (or not) I guess;

‘Cause now the Pound is down and our financial future’s drab;

But most importantly: CAN I STILL GET A CHEAP KEBAB?

When the campaign is Donne

Because halfway through an election campaign is as good a time as any to get metaphysical. 

When next the visage of the moon

Turns coyly from the Earth to wane

In Southern lands, a mournful tune

Plays soft to endeth this campaign

Two foes, hast did declare their troth

As means to quench a powr’ful thirst

One side intendeth jobs and growth

The other, putting people first.

What trigger’d such a grand event?

A solemn vow to disagree

‘Til twice-dissolved, our parliament

Restored not the ABCC

For fortnights twain a battle fought

Continued twenty-eight days more

We sit upon the rowboat’s thwart

With battens placed for what’s in store.

What promises are made thus far?

What quarter shall our champions give

To childcare, tax, the NBN

And gearing in the negative?

As rivals gloat and bluff and boast

It matters not what happens hence

The policies that matter most

Seem nothing much of consequence

Of marriage just, nor refugees

Spake neither glori’ed bureaucrat;

More time and swathes of journalese

Apportioned to a blessed rat.

Good government starts today.

Because we need to start a conversation about "good" and "today".

On Monday 9 February, Prime Minister Tony Abbott faced the media after emerging mildly victorious from a spill motion and announced: 

"Good government starts today."

But, like with everything the Prime Minister says, there has been some confusion. Given that, during the six weeks since his claim he's sidelined indigenous Australians, patronised Irish Australians, attempted to destroy the reputation of the Australian Human Rights Commission, brushed off allegations of physical and sexual abuse in our offshore detention centres and eaten a raw onion as if it was a sane thing to do, I think we need a little clarification about what constitutes "good government" and "today".

I asked the Prime Minister to come up with his own explanation in no more than six rhyming quatrains, and he was remarkably obliging: 

Good government starts today. Hooray!

My standards won’t fall beneath

The era of steam or the Pot regime.

(But first let me clean my teeth.)

Good government starts at half-past nine!

I promise I’ll try to be

Much less of an arse to the working class.

(Once I’ve had this cup of tea.)

Good government starts right after lunch!

Our policies shan’t be feared.

I’ll do what I ought with the Moss report.

(As soon as the plates are cleared.)

Good government starts this afternoon!

I’m certainly going to do

A much better job for the native mob.

(Beginning at ten past two.)

Good government starts at dinner time!

I’ll show nothing but remorse

For all of the brawls and the captain’s calls.

(Right after the seventh course.)

Good government starts at beddy-byes!

There’ll be no more pain or sorrow.

That’s a firm guarantee from my team and me:

Good government starts tomorrow.

Lifestyle Choices

Because some choices are more difficult than "which tie will I wear today?"

It's becoming increasingly clear that the only way our Prime Minister Tony Abbott can avoid saying ridiculously ill-informed things is to shut his privileged gob altogether. The latest morsel of mindlessness he dumped on the Australian population he clearly loathes was this: 

"What we can't do is endlessly subsidise lifestyle choices if those lifestyle choices are not conducive to the kind of full participation in Australian society that everyone should have."

What does he mean by "lifestyle choices"? He's not talking about overseas holidays, wearing cycling gear to the office or buying a European town car. He's talking about infrastructure, support and schooling in remote indigenous communities. 

Sure, they're just words. And yes, it costs money to provide basic infrastructure to remote communities. And ok, life would be simpler if everyone just moved to the city and got a job. Whether you happen to think funding aboriginal communities is a waste of money or not, basing your argument on the premise of choice seems idiotic, even for a Prime Minister who has turned Being An Idiot into a form of public art. 

If you choose to have your parents send you off to private school,

And you choose to be born rich and white and straight;

If you choose to manufacture copper wire or fossil fuel,

Then we’ll spend our money on you, ‘cause you’re great.

But

If you choose to live in shelters, outback towns or on Nauru,

Or you choose to come by boat or break a bone;

If you choose to lose your grant and join the unemployment queue,

Then you’re going to have to make it on your own.

Sure

You use vouchers for your groceries and your clothes are second-hand,

And your bruises speak much louder than your voice,

And your lack of reading makes the dole forms hard to understand,

But our hands are tied – you’ve clearly made your choice.

  

Christopher Pyne's Lament

Because the Good Old Days were so nice.

Federal Education Minister Christopher Pyne is upset. Our schools' curricula aren't doing their job. They're not currently teaching Australia's children The Things That Christopher Pyne Likes, which are (as he suggests in this interview) "history, literacy, numeracy, science", "Western civilisation" and "our Judeo-Christian heritage". Something MUST BE DONE.

Leaving aside the extreme wibbly-wobbliness of the not-quite-accurate "Judeo-Christian" claim (see the gaping holes in the term exposed by Tony Taylor here and by Chrys Stevenson here),  Mr Pyne wants to return to the Good Old Days, when children had phonics and times tables whacked into them with a cane, when nobody argued about what Australia Day means, and when multiculturalism was just a fancy way of saying "Look! There's spaghetti in the shops now!".

Maybe I'm not explaining what Christopher Pyne wants very well. Maybe Christopher Pyne needs to explain it himself, in rhyming couplets. Take it away, ChrisPy:

We must learn about Judeo-Christian conquerors and kings!

And Judeo-Christian history! And Judeo-Christian things!

And Judeo-Christian English! And Judeo-Christian science!

And Judeo-Christian punishment for wilful non-compliance!

Non-Judeo-Christian education simply shan’t be had.

It makes fine, upright, Judeo-Christian citizens look bad!

If a lesson fails to make Judeo-Christian people proud,

Then it’s simply (by Judeo-Christian standards) not allowed.

Any subjects that appease the God of Abraham are apt;

But the other, more barbaric ones should probably be scrapped.

Asian neighbours, the Indigenous and other foreign stuff

Are all well and good, but not Judeo-Christian-y enough.

Sure, for forty thousand years there’s been some people here, but look:

Nothing worthwhile really happened ‘til they met with Captain Cook.

Since that day, our nation’s greatness simply cannot be denied.

Our curriculum needs cleaning up, so here’s a simple guide:

If it’s nice and white and clean and mentions ANZAC Day, it’s IN.

If it dares to bad-mouth God or Jesus, CHUCK IT IN THE BIN!

If it’s yellow, brown or – worst of all – a shade of Green, NO WAY.

If it’s Western and it’s civilised and likes the Queen, then YAY!

Soon, Judeo-Christian schoolkids with Judeo-Christian knowledge,

Will bring shiny, Western thoughts to their Judeo-Christian college.

Their Judeo-Christian books will line Judeo-Christian shelves

While they frown upon those less Judeo-Christian than themselves.

Erica Betz

Because 1950s babies are better than your babies.

Eric Abetz, Leader of the Government in the Senate, Minister for Employment and unabashed anti-abortionist, expressed his respect for studies "back from the 1950s" that support a link between breast cancer and abortion in a television interview last night.  The people on the internet went crazy, and this morning the Senator is on his back-pedal bike, claiming that he was cut off when he was about to say that the link isn't supported by current medical thinking.

Whatever, Eric. You're attending the World Congress of Families event in Melbourne this month because it has aims that you "broadly support". You've never been shy about your stance on abortion and so-called 'Family Values' which is the world's worst euphemism for "Ladies and Homos should do as they're told".

I can't speak for everyone, but I think you meant it.

Eric Abetz has no regrets.

He said what he meant to say.

A woman is best when stout of breast

And well in the family way.

He’s here to discuss your uterus -

It doesn’t belong to you;

Those studies begun since Menzies’ run

Are not worth a brass razoo.

Straya

Because it's not all about cricket and prawns.

Endless beaches

Parrot screeches

Desert sands of rusty red.

Tiny cozzies

Giant mozzies

Spiders that can eat your head.

Oil refining

Big pit mining

Possums, snakes and kangaroos.

Beer for sculling

Sharks for culling

Sweaty Southern Cross tattoos.

Racing horses

Border forces

Offshore gaols for refugees.

Children stolen

Cities swollen

Wilderness devoid of trees.

Budget crunches

Coward punches

Freedom to insult a race.

Climate stalling

No point bawling

Better than another place. 

How to Make a Baby

Because lady anatomy is hard.

Today, member of Victorian Parliament and self-appointed Minister For Pink Bits Geoff Shaw had something to say about abortion laws. Like so many other Proper Christian Men who are in charge of ladies' bodies, he took a very rational and scientific approach to the issue. To illustrate:

“Here in Australia we can’t kill snake eggs but we are quite happy to kill an egg in the tummy and it should be the safest place for a baby to be."

And so, to celebrate Shaw's impeccable grasp of the female anatomy and its role in reproduction, I give you this:

When a lady and a man who love each other very much,

Get together in a comfy place for love-cuddles and such,

All the dangly bits on one side get all hard and sort of uppy,

And the lady lies quite still, just like a well-trained little puppy.

Then the sticky-uppy sausage does an inny-outy dance

‘Til it spills some little fishies and goes back into its pants.

All the fishies have a swim (because they haven’t any legs)

Through the Cylinder of Mystery ‘til they reach the tummy eggs.

While the fishies and the tummy eggs all have a little chat,

POP! SHAZAM! A babby’s safe inside the lady, just like that.

Then the doctor takes the babby out with special babby-tweezers

And then everyone gives thanks to God and little baby Jesus.

How to Prime Minister

Because sometimes I just get cross.

You don’t have to be a prick to be in politics;

You don’t have to dig up departmental dirt;

You don’t have to be a knob

To maintain the highest job;

But it sure as Tony’s scrotum doesn’t hurt.

Disappeared

Because it's not your money, Meryl.

I know, I know. I don't blog for ages and then KAPOW! Two posts about the Australian Vaccination Not-Really-Skeptics Network in a row!

In the latest installment of The Great AVN Unhinging of 2014, we find the NSW Minister for Fair Trading, Mr Stuart Ayres encouraging the public not to donate money to the organisation. On 18 March he tweeted:

"Aust Vaccination Skeptics Network no longer has charitable status
& I would encourage that you don't donate to this organisation."

This has not made the AVN happy. In an interview in the Guardian, President Greg Beattie stated:

“It’s not his place to say that. If he did make those statements then I question why he’s meddling in affairs that don’t involve his ministry.”

Likewise, Public Officer Meryl Dorey has been heard whining about how the government shouldn't be allowed to make such a recommendation, and they have no basis for doing so. Leaving aside the insinuation that only the AVN is allowed to have opinions about the AVN, let's look at the basis for Ayres' recommendation.

In all the time I've been following the AVN, I have not seen a single instance of them putting any money towards any cause that doesn't also benefit themselves. They've collected nearly 2 million dollars in donations during the last seven years, but there seems to be no evidence that any donations have gone towards a stated purpose. Yet their financial statements (which are summarised capably over at diluted thinking; and were described by a chartered accountant as "the worst set of financial statements I have ever seen") indicate some rather vague "expenses" such as $39,000.00 in one year on computers, even more on "web costs", plus all-purpose "other expenses" totaling $170,000.00 in 2010. There is no mention of any outgoing money to any charitable cause (thanks for the summary Dr Rachie).

So I will ask a simple question that has been asked of the AVN many, many times before:

WHERE DID THE DONATIONS GO?

Where did your members’ donations go?

What did you spend them on?

Your website design’s worth a buck ninety-nine

So where has the money gone?

Where’s the foundation for injured kids?

Where is the legal aid?

Were you never billed any time you fulfilled

All those promises that you made?

Surely there’s something you can share

That shows your philanthropy;

An invoice or docket that proves you don’t pocket

The money you get for free. 

Abbottry

Because I've learned so much.

What have I learned since the Abbott government came to power in September? Let's see...

Keeping trees locked up for selfish native wildlife isn’t right.
Locking people up in camps offshore is fine.

Schools’ curricula aren’t suitably supremacist or white.

Family planning should be led by the Divine.

If a substance is invisible, it can’t be bought or sold.

Men in naval uniforms are never wrong.

Current research into wind farms is erroneous and old.

Coral reefs have been alive for far too long.

Childcare workers aren’t worth paying – not like wealthy pregnant mums.

Cabinet ministers aren’t wimps or bleeding hearts.

Medicare is too expensive, and has complicated sums.

Sovereign borders aren’t too clearly marked on charts.

When a journo asks a question, give a slogan-spattered spiel.

Never comment on administrative matters.

Steer away from any facts that inadvertently reveal
That your last shred of humanity’s in tatters.

Thank you Meryl Dorey

Because she finally did something right.

Yesterday, NSW Health Minister Jillian Skinner introduced suggested amendments to the Health Care Complaints Act to NSW Parliament (Go read Reasonable Hank and Dr Rachie for more thorough treatment). 

In a nutshell, these amendments make it easier for the NSW Health Care Complaints Commission (HCCC) to respond to complaints about dodgy health service providers. Previously, a complaint had to be backed up by evidence that a health service provider had directly affected the care of an individual. If this bill passes, a complaint can be acted upon if the health of an individual is likely to be affected. 

A subtle difference, perhaps, but the wording of the current Act provided a loophole large enough for Meryl Dorey of the Australian Vaccination Network to slide through when she took the HCCC to court last year. And it was precisely that case that prompted the change. 

That's right. Thanks to Ms Dorey and her AVN, the government has taken a lot of notice of how easy it is for "health" "service" providers such as herself to spread misinformation and endanger the health of families without penalty, and it sounds like that's all going to change. 

I'd like to express my gratitude. This one's for you, Meryl.

If you hadn't thrown your toys at the Health Care Complaints Commission;

If you’d not made special pleading your relentless, lifelong mission;

Then our leaders might not know of your intention to mislead;

So thank you, Meryl Dorey. Thank you very much indeed.

If you’d done the thing that public health officials said you ought:

And just changed your site a bit, instead of taking them to court;

Then the legislation wouldn’t need to change the way it’s lettered.

So thank you, Meryl Dorey. We are very much indebted.

If you’d never bitched and moaned ‘bout how the government’s a farce;

If you’d not said Tanya Plibersek was talking out her arse,

Then they might be more inclined to let you do the things you’ve done.

So thank you, Meryl Dorey. Thanks a lot. I owe you one.

If you’d never drawn attention to the way you run your show;

If associates of yours weren’t just as dangerous and low;

Then they wouldn’t soon be answering to summonses and such.

So thank you, Meryl Dorey. Thank you very, very much.

While we're on the topic, go see the good folk at Stop The AVN, without whom there'd be a lot more anti-vax bollocks in the media. Go on. They're not nearly as nasty as Meryl says.

The Gift

Because women and babies deserve better.

In the US, Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock made some now-infamous comments this week, which speak volumes about his (and presumably his party's) attitude towards women (or, so the far-right Christian dinosaurs amongst you can understand me: "incubators who iron").

I couldn't let this one slip by.

O thank you God for giving me this very precious gift;

For bestowing your good grace within my womb.

Every time I sense its growing form, its tiny body shift,

I can feel the love of Jesus newly bloom.

I know not why I was chosen for this most momentous task;

Why you set this path for me to bravely tread.

With my head awash with wonder, I must very humbly ask:

Why me, Lord? Why not another lamb instead?

Why not Ashraf and Letitia, now on fourth-round IVF?

Why not Helen, with her history of miscarriage?

Why not Kate, whose first was unresponsive and profoundly deaf?

Why not Anh, whose childlessness affects her marriage?

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, please forgive my reckless gall;

I know not how your grand plan for me is shaped.

But I wonder, Lord, since you control what happens to us all;

Why you didn’t intervene when I was raped?

Picking Things To Bits – Tony Abbott’s Address to President Obama

Because I’m not convinced.

A new thing. I thought it might be fun to periodically choose a piece of someone else’s writing and critically analyse it with an objective eye pick it to bits.

First cab off the rank is Tony Abbott’s speech at the reception dinner welcoming visiting US President Barack Obama. The full transcript is here (Warning: there is a photo of Tony Abbott and Julia Bishop on this page).

It begins:

Mr President, Prime Minister, parliamentary colleagues, distinguished guests.
It is indeed an honour to follow our Prime Minister in formally welcoming President Obama to Australia.

“Yadda yadda yadda, hello, hello, mmwah etc”

 As the leader of the United States, sir, you are the world’s president because no other country has such a place in the life and such a hold over the imaginations of people across the globe.

“Your status as a world power is on the wane, but I’m not going to waste valuable proselytising and brown-nosing time talking about that right now.”

 As Prime Minister Gillard has said, watching the moon landing in 1969 convinced her that there was nothing that America and Americans could not achieve. The moon landing, sir, was special for me, too. My teachers didn’t think it was important enough to interrupt classes for. So, I absconded to a friend’s house to watch the broadcast. It was the only time in my life I ever wagged school and I’d like to think that I did it for America. The subsequent corporal punishment, I suppose that was for America, too: a small price to pay for watching history in the making and cheering for the country which at that moment was acting for all humanity.

“I was a really good boy at school, except that one time when I assumed the position in the name of America”.

 Years later, sir, as a student in Oxford...

“I haz plenty smart book learnin’”

 ...I felt instantly at home amongst the English only to discover after six months that nearly all of my friends were American.

“I wanted to fit in with people who spoke posh and drank lots of tea but they didn’t care for me much.”

 Perhaps it was just the solidarity of strangers, more likely it was the natural affinity that Americans and Australians have for each other. It was an American who not only taught me the Star Spangled Banner but insisted that I sing it in the Soviet Union no less in 1982. It was an American who persuaded me to become a boxer, an American Jesuit, the ultimate muscular Christian.

“Here are some meaningless personal anecdotes that prove how awesome Americans are. Also, PRAISE JESUS!”

 From the American sealers and whalers who were an important part of our national economy back in the 1800s; the officers and men of the Great White Fleet who were given perhaps the most tumultuous welcome ever extended to any visitors to our shores; General Pershing’s men who went to war for the first time under General Monash in the Battle of Hamel; to the countless Americans and Australians at all times and in all places who instantly warm to each other’s informality and readiness to have a go.

“I had my PA Google some stuff yesterday so that I could sound relevant.”

 Our citizens are not strangers to each other. English-speaking peoples never really are.

“Australians and Americans get along because I am blissfully ignorant of the 100 or so languages other than English that are spoken in Australia and the US.”

 I was reminded of this, sir, on a recent visit to Afghanistan. Only a senior American officer would have invited an image-conscious politician...

“OMG you guise, have you seen my spectacular pecs?”

 ...to test-fire a heavy machine gun...

“So heavy, in fact, that only someone with spectacular pecs could use it and not look like some kind of publicity-hounding idiot.”

 ...and only an Australian alternative prime minister...

“I prefer not to use the term ‘sore loser’”

 ...would have been rash...

“Spectacularly muscular”

 ...enough to do so.

But for all the instinctive bonds there can still be misunderstandings. On my first trip to the United States as a parliamentarian, the US Information Agency briefed my hosts that I was a ferocious liberal and deeply anti-republican, which meant that I spent most of the fortnight being introduced to communists.

“Even though we all speak English, you guys are still capable of monumental stuff-ups that result in me having to tell my pre-prepared Christian White Supremacist jokes to a bunch of bloody commies.”

 The very concept of the office I hold as an institutional critic of government...

“This Opposition Leader gig is SO. EASY. I don’t even have to come up with any ideas of my own! I get paid to pick on the Prime Minister, while all you lowly taxpayers are doing it on Twitter for free.”

 ...is foreign to your notions of a powerful and unifying president. Indeed, the nearest thing you have to an opposition leader is probably an editorial in the Wall Street Journal.

“I staunchly refuse to portray the Republican Party in a bad light, because they are SO AWESOME. PRAISE JESUS!”

 But a good thing it is to have a shadow government to keep the official one on its toes.

“I’ve heard the term “formulate workable alternative policies” before, but I have no idea what it means.”

 Regardless, sir, of their normal political affiliations millions of Australians took pride in your election as President...

“Most Australians couldn’t give a rat’s arse about American voters, but hey - they like what Oprah likes.”

 ...because it showed that America could live up to its dreams and that Americans were capable of judging people by the content of their characters rather than the colour of their skin.

“I’m trying to cover up my innate racism. How’m I doing?”

 In similar vein, I am very proud that an Aboriginal has finally been elected to the Australian House of Representatives as a member of the Liberal National Coalition.

“My PA found out on Google that we’ve got a black fellow in the House of Reps. Fancy that! Next thing you know we’ll be letting them buy their own groceries. ANYway, I think you, sir, are just as important as whatsisname.”

 Mr President, we too are a country that has beckoned to the “poor, the huddled masses, yearning to be free.”

“We beckon, they come, we lock them up for months while we do a bit of paperwork. Until I'm Prime Minister, of course, in which case they can all get stuffed.”

 We too are a country spreading across a continent from sea to shining sea.

“This is the extent of my knowledge of plate tectonics”

 We too are one nation indivisible under God with liberty and justice for all...

“I live in a magical fantasy fairyland. Also, PRAISE JESUS!!!”

 ...and at least in this country, sir, the President of the United States stands for power tempered with good will, wealth with justice and energy with wisdom. So, naturally, we could hardly have amongst us a more welcome guest.

“And to finish, I’d like to blow smoke up your arse. Damn, I wish you were white.”

Build a Big Gay Bridge.

Because it really isn't a big deal.

This one is for all those Australians (*cough* Australian Christian Lobby *cough*) who oppose same-sex marriage because of the erroneous view that it will somehow destroy what is historically good and right and will turn everyone into demonic homosexual pedophile gangbangers against their will.* 

You don’t have to be gay or like gayness.
You don’t have to feel hassled or harried.
You don’t have to touch anyone’s anus.
You don’t have to get same-gender married.
There’s no need to consult with tradition,
About who boys and girls can climb onto.
All we ask is the legal permission
For gay people to wed if they want to.

*It almost certainly won't.

Bills, bills, bills.

Wish-list of a wowser.

This morning’s Sydney Morning Herald included a report about the ongoing attempt by Fred Nile to punch above his weight remove any alternative to religious instruction in public schools. Featured next to the story was one of those big shaded boxes of small bits of information which are especially tailored for those of us who attempt to read the paper and drink a cup of tea while a three-year-old balances on their knee with one leg in the air shouting “CAN YOU DO THIS???”

This one listed private members’ bills proposed for introduction into the upper house. The Reverend Nile’s list is quite comprehensive, so I’ve taken the trouble to look at each bill and provide my comment below. I know, I know – you’ve been hanging out for this all day. But someone had to make the lunches and say “Mmmm.... uh-huh” at Lego.

So here they are – Fred Nile’s proposals as I see them, based on nothing more than a cursory glance at a tea-stained SMH:

1. Adoption Amendment

Repeals the amendments that let couples of the same sex adopt children.

Same-sex couples are evil. Children brought up by same-sex couples are evil. Same-sex couples only want to adopt children to make a point of how evil they are, and couldn’t possibly want a child as much as those proper boy-girl couples that God likes.

2. Alcoholic Beverages Advertising Prohibition

Prohibits the advertising of alcoholic beverages and related trademarks, brand names and logos.

I think I can see where he’s going with this one. Banning alcohol means nobody will buy alcohol which means nobody will get drunk and be arseholes to each other and become alcoholics and ruin everything. It’s worked in the past. Honestly though, this is as good as any other proposal I’ve seen for stopping people drinking too much and being arseholes.

3. Child Protection (Nicole’s Law)

Requires the public to be notified of the identity and residential addresses of convicted child sex offenders.

On one hand, people who commit sex offences involving children deserve to wear underpants made of razor-blade-wielding scorpions and eat stale turds for the rest of their lives. On the other hand, like it or not, even soulless scumbags are entitled to some privacy and protection. Tell you what - I’ll support this one if everybody promises to mind their own business and leave the pitchforks at home.

4. Classification Enforcement Amendment

Prohibit the possession of restricted X-rated films.

Generally speaking, as long as everyone appearing in a film wants to appear in it, doesn’t abuse anyone who doesn’t request abuse and gets paid enough, I don’t really give a rat’s who owns and watches them. I don’t like restricted X-rated films or the industry that makes them. I don’t like Justin Bieber or the industry that manufactured him, either. Doesn’t mean he should be made illegal.

5. Destruction of Child in Utero – Zoe’s Law

Creates a new offence relating to the destruction of a child in utero.

Punishing someone for causing the death of an unborn baby is fine with me. I’m not so certain that the charge of murder or manslaughter is appropriate if the mother of the unborn child survives though. In fact, I’m not really certain of anything in this case. This is me backing away quietly from something I don’t know much about. See? It can happen.

6. Incitement or Promotion of Terrorism and Violence

Makes it an offence to publish material that incites or promotes terrorism or violence.

I’m cool with this one, as long as the definitions of “incites”, “promotes”, “terrorism” and “violence” are crystal clear. For example, if I say that I’d appreciate it if someone would provide religious nutjobs with a swift kick in the nuts, does that count?

7. Pre-natal Termination

Prohibits the destruction of any child in utero with a detectable heartbeat.

I’m not even going to dignify this with a bunch of words. Instead, I think I have a picture somewhere of Fred Nile driving to work.

Oh yes, here it is.

8. Soliciting Sex for Payment

Prohibit a person soliciting another for sexual gratification for payment.

If you need it, if you can’t find it anywhere else, if you’ve got the funds and you’re not my husband, go for your life. Just do it safely. And don’t expect Julia Roberts.

9. Drug and Alcohol Treatment Amendment

Provides for the involuntary rehabilitative care of persons with severe substance dependence.

Hands up who hasn’t wanted to smack some sense into a self-destructive drug addict? I know I have, but I do need help with this one. Is it possible to rehabilitate someone who doesn’t want to be rehabilitated? I honestly don’t know.

10. Ethics Classes Repeal

Repeals ethics classes as a secular alternative to special religious education at government schools.

Ok. Grrr. Fred, do you know what “a secular alternative to special religious education” is? Everything. You see, in a secular system, which is what our schools are supposed to be, being able to do something other than receive religious instruction is fundamental. Whether it’s ethics classes, general religion classes, Advanced Satanism or whittling is irrelevant. As I see it, uncontested religious instruction is the alternative. The alternative to Growing The Hell Up And Being Sensible.

11. Family Impact Commission

A study of the moral, social and economic effects on the family unit of government laws and expenditure.

First, anyone who can define “the family unit” gets a prize. Second, if anyone can explain to me how moral and social effects of laws and expenditure could be measured, I’d really like to know. Third, I think we need a study into the moral, social and economic effects on the family unit of performing a stupid study like this. And finally, what the hell for?

12. Drinking Age

Minimum drinking age raised to 21 years.

Whatever. Add three years onto the age at which people are legally and arbitrarily allowed to take their first drink if it really stuffs your olive.

13. Health Warning for Pregnant Women

Requires packaged liquor to contain a health warning about the danger of drinking when pregnant.

No objection from me. If it makes a significant difference to the number of babies affected by maternal alcoholism then that would be a Good Thing. But seriously, if you need a warning label to tell you that drinking while pregnant isn’t a good thing to do, then I’d prefer you didn’t procreate at all.

14. Pregnancy Termination

Requires women considering terminating a viable pregnancy to undergo counselling and to view an ultrasound of their unborn child.

Abortion counselling equals awesome in my book. Women who decide to terminate a pregnancy should be given factual, evidence-based information and advice about their options, physical and psychological impact and health risks. Requiring those women to view an ultrasound of their unborn child is just stupid and manipulative. I don’t think any woman in history has felt good about terminating a pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have a bloody good reason to do so. Why make them feel worse?

15. Sex Services Advertising Prohibition

Prohibits the advertising of sex services.

Bollocks to that. If you’re providing a legal, safe, desired service, you should have the freedom to put a tacky ad in the local paper, complete with titillating euphemisms.

16. Full-face Coverings Prohibition

Prohibits people wearing full-face coverings in public places.

Humphrey B. Bear will be very upset about this one. And surgeons at public hospitals may find it quite inconvenient. Unless you mean... oooh. Well then, if we’re talking about removing veils, why don’t you just come out and say that all Muslims are shifty-eyed terrorists? And while you’re at it, please cover up Fred. I’m sick of looking at him.

17. State Senate

Authorises the use of the term “State Senate” as a reference to the Legislative Council and the use of the term “State Senator” for a member of the council.

Now this one is important. It’s right up there with the great Potato/Potato argument. Go for it.

Brains vs Bible

Because ethics and the Christian Democratic Party are two different things.

Yesterday, Fred Nile and his Christian Democratic Party threatened to withhold their support of the NSW Government's proposed Industrial Relations changes unless ethics classes in state primary schools - held as an alternative to religious education - were scrapped. The CDP's press release is here and ABC News' coverage is here. To put it in simpler terms, he doesn't want kids to learn anything if they're not learning about scripture, because they might like the something else better. And if kids learn about ethics, they might figure out that blackmailing the government to get what you want is, well... you know.

Fred Nile objects quite vocally to primary ethics classes;
As do his Christian Democratic chums;
They’d rather have objectors sitting outside on their arses
And twiddling their young scripture-snubbing thumbs.

The Reverend doesn’t want your kids to think or read or learn;
While their mates absorb the teaching of God’s word;
And the thought that they’d be anything but still and taciturn;
Is, to true believers, patently absurd.

Anything except pure idleness is competition, see:
To the stuff that Scripture kids are being fed;
And we mustn’t have a pedagogical deficiency
While those sneaky opter-outers get ahead.

The implication is, of course, that sitting on one’s hands
Is equivalent, in academic weight;
To the scripture class curriculum; and Fred Nile understands;
That without dumb folk, he won’t control the state.

Liberal Party leadership, the festival of yawns.

No news is just that. So shush.

Yes, yes, this is a little late for a 'current' affairs topic, but if I'm at least a few days behind in the laundry, doing my tax and emptying the nappy bin, then I can be a bit tardy with blogging.

Now, where was I?

Oh yes. I've said it before and I'll say it again: if it's a slow news day, then shut the hell up. I understand that a TV network needs to fill up its news 'updates' with something, but if nothing has actually happened since the last one, couldn't they just pop on a re-run of Northern Exposure or something?

What am I talking about? Peter Costello. The biggest non-event in politics since Kirstie Marshall got her tit out. A few months ago, after the last federal election, Mr Costello announced that he wouldn't be putting himself forward for the Liberal Party leadership. And last week, as Brendan Nelson's popularity proceeded downwards past what would require mining, the big news came: Peter Costello wouldn't, after announcing that he wouldn't, be putting himself forward for the Liberal Party leadership. Even though he said he wouldn't! And he didn't! And he wasn't going to!

But, on the up-side, Brendan Nelson did the Canberra equivalent of saying, "Hands up who likes me?" and got the answer that everyone was expecting but himself. Yup - Mr Smug-Mug is no more. The Rat in a Suit didn't have to abandon the sinking ship; he got booted off. Huzzah.