08 July 2011

The Old Testament Song

Because he's the baddest baddie in the Good Book.

There’s a bloke who’s in the Bible who’s as mean as mean can be;
He’s an angry, vengeful bastard and the boss of you and me;
He’s been terrorising mankind since four thousand years B.C.;
When that naughty, naked Adam ate an apple from his tree.
Old Testament God, Old Testament God, he’s got a few things to say;
He lives up above, and talks about love, but not in a cuddly way;
When Rapture begins, he’ll count up your sins, and work out who gets to stay;
By the side of the Almighty when it comes to Judgment Day.

He sends floods and plagues and famine but maintains it’s all our fault;
He gets off on stoning whores and turning ladies into salt;
He condones widespread infanticide and sexual assault;
And considers every human being a sinner by default.

Old Testament God, Old Testament God, he doesn’t do things by half;
It doesn’t suffice to say that he’s nice or tell him he makes you laugh;
He wants you to pray, and offer to slay a bullock or perfect calf;
Not a cat or dog or donkey or a (God forbid!) giraffe.

He’s omnipotent, omniscient and everywhere as well;
He can see what you are doing through the walls of a motel;
If you’re coveting your neighbours ass, then bid your own farewell;
Join the legion of forsaken on the slippery-dip to Hell.

Old Testament God, Old Testament God, he’s got quite a nasty streak;
He’ll get pretty cross and show you who’s boss, unless you are mild and meek;
He’ll smite you with lice and locusts and mice and call it divine mystique;
Then expect us all to thank him on our one day off a week.

Showing my working: This grew from an invasive but rollicking earworm here on the Sesame Street site. And, like all normal people, when I hear Elmo my thoughts immediately turn to the murderous hand of an almighty, vengeful God. I can't read the stanzas above without hearing the tune anymore, but perhaps you've got another little mind-melody going on.


  1. Really enjoyed that! Thanks for the afternoon giggles :)

  2. Thanks for the visit, Kim-Marie! You happy = me happy.