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13 February 2011

The Anti-Vaccinator Translator

Because I'm not as polite inside my head.

A few months ago, I did my best to help people decipher the many linguistic liberties that are taken by pushers of woo. But fair's fair. Today I want to help the other side.

As both of my regular readers probably know, I can get quite a bee in my bonnet about the anti-vaccination movement; but because I was brought up so well, and because my Mum often reads what I write, I usually try to maintain a certain politeness in my communications regarding this group of wayward folk. That doesn't mean, however, that I'm not cussing like a tinker and wishing them many innovative forms of torture inside my head. Sometimes, unfortunately, that means I don't quite get my point across - that is, I'm bloody annoyed.

So here, I'd like to translate the civilities that you may find me posting in facebook groups and on twitter back into plainer language. If you're a deluded anti-vaxxer 'pro-choice' advocate, this should help you understand what I'm really trying to say out there in nicey-nicey land.

So you say autism’s caused by vaccination. Where’s your proof?
Means “If you mention Andrew Wakefield, I will hit the bloody roof.”

Are you qualified in health care? Should a parent trust in you?
Means “Please don’t say you have a brain, ‘cause I’ll need evidence there, too.”

There are two sides to this issue. Let’s give each viewpoint its due.
Means “I’ll choose evidence-based experts over daft, dishonest woo.”

You maintain that homeopathy works wonders. On what basis?
Means "Your logic’s so misplaced, your arse should sit right where your face is.”

Do you really think the souls of those against you are Big Pharma’s?
Means “Hey! Where’s my cheque? My Krug? My Porsche? My trip to the Bahamas?”

Google-browsing isn’t research. There’s no doctorate called “Mum”.
Means "I don’t think you’d know real science if it bit you on the bum.”

You’re quite good at using terms associated with vaccines.
Means “I don’t think that big word you just used means what you think it means.”

You are clearly anti-vaccination, aren’t you? Why deny it?
Means “Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Be quiet.”