23 August 2011


Because I'm really, really sorry.

This morning, as is my wont, I tweeted about how much I love coffee. I insinuated that, under circumstances in which I was unable to drink coffee by mouth, I would settle for taking it intravenously. One of the replies I received suggested that perhaps I was being a little insensitive to people who are, for medical or other reasons, unable to eat or drink the foods they enjoy.

How could I have been so heartless? I really should have considered the feelings of people who are required to take their nutrition intravenously before I tweeted flippantly and heartlessly about how much I like coffee. For that, I apologise.

Then I got to thinking: how many other jokes and light-hearted comments have I made in the past with a callous disregard for people to whom they may cause offence? How many hearts have I broken; how many souls have I crushed; how many lives have I ruined with the simple 'knock-knock' of a badly-timed pun? Is this, as the Sydney Atheists Podcast recently speculated, the end of comedy?

So before I offend anyone else in the name of half-arsed comedy, I'd like to offer you this:

I’m sorry to horses who’ve walked into bars, in particular those with long faces.
I’m sorry to rabbis and vicars and priests who’ve assembled in mutual places.
I’m sorry to bears with especially large paws, who’ve gone into the woods for a pooh.
I’m sorry to people with light bulbs to change, and to people whose surname is ‘Who’.
To my dear Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles and Ms Keller, I’d hate to have made you upset.
To those chickens we’ve lost because roads must be crossed, I now offer my deepest regret.
If your mother is large or you’re generally thought to be stupid, endowed well or tight,
If you’ve come across flies in your soup by surprise, then I’m really, sincerely contrite.